2012 is coming to a close...

Well, 2012, I have to say, I am grateful to all of the experiences you gave me, good and bad. I have learned a lot about myself and the immense strength that my husband and I have in our marriage. I truly believe that the loss of our first pregnancy really showed us how fleeting life can be and showed us that we can get through anything together.  2012 brought my only brother home to me, it started my career and it brought me some of the most incredible friendships anyone could ask for. Every year that goes by is a blessing, to be on this side of the sod is a blessing, as my Nanny used to say. I have my health, my home, my family, my doggies, my career... and I have hope. Hope that my wonderful husband and I will add a baby to our blessings someday.  It may not be 2013 but I am okay with that...And I am okay with that because I know it will happen when the man upstairs decides we are ready.

Happy New Year to you all. I hope that 2013 brings all you the joy and love that your hearts desire! See you next year!

Holy. Food. Hangover.

I have never eaten so much food in my life as I have over the holidays! I knew I would, I always pig out! BUT tomorrow, hubby and I are emptying out our cupboards and starting to eat healthy! I plan to do my Boxfit class four times a week and do a personal training session on Monday mornings :) I am looking forward to it! Hubby could certainly lose a few pounds too! We need to start walking the dogs more often too because Chewy and Beanz are becoming porkers! haha

So, as I sit here drinking my morning coffee and eating the remainder of the sugar cookies, I look forward to tomorrow and the clean, healthy eating it will bring my family.  Fresh fruits and veggies! Hoping to go down a pant size or two before I go up a pant size or four :)

Turning over a new leaf!

So, as I get ready to enter into 2013, I have a new outlook (which I am sure will have its moments).  This will be the third New Years Eve that my hubby and I have said, "We will have a baby this year." This year, I am not going to say that. This year I am going to worry less and enjoy the love of my husband more and continue to pray for a new addition.  I know we will have a baby. I am not sure it will be 2013 or 2014 or 2015? I AM SURE that we will be parents. Until then, I will live vicariously through my pregnant friends and watch their babies grow and be the best auntie they could ever ask for.  I am beyond ready for this BUT the man upstairs seems to have other plans for me and I have to trust that it will happen for us when it is supposed to.

I am trying to stay focused on getting into shape and eating clean. That is going to be my main focus of the New Year.  I want to get my body in tip top shape so that I can have a healthy, fit pregnancy when we are blessed to have one that sticks. I have an AMAZING support system. I swear I am so incredibly blessed to have the friends and family I have. They are always there for me. No matter what.  So instead of  focusing on what I don't have, I am going to focus on what I DO have and look forward to the future and the things to come.  Happy New Year :)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Just a quick post to wish all of you out there in the cyber world a very MERRY CHRISTMAS :) To my TTC friends, I wish you a very joyful new year filled with all the little miracles your hearts desire!  2013 is OUR year. I can feel it in my bones!!! ALL THE BEST! Stay tuned! Now, back to my merlot! xoxoxoxox

And She's Back!

So sorry for being away so long! I guess you can pretty much guess that since I am not gushing over two pink lines that I started AF after my first clomid cycle.  I'm okay though. I am. I am relaxing now. Tomorrow is the first day of my Christmas holidays. I have some last minute things to do but, other than that, I am
R-E-L-A-X-I-N-G! No temping, no testing, no peeing on ANY sticks. Just plain me and my hubby and my family and my poochies and egg nog or wine and chocolates and fruit cakes. Oh HEAVEN! The only thing that could be better is a big fat pregnant belly and a beautiful impending baby boy or girl!  :) It will happen! I know it will and I think this break will help me a lot. 2013 will be our year. IT WILL BE OUR YEAR.

So, for now I am going to have faith in God's plan and believe that this journey will have a happy ending when it is MEANT to. xo

Caved.

Yeah, I am 8 dpo and I tested. BFN. Stark white. Too early? Maybe. I just feel so anxious to know what is happening. I know it is because of the clomid and I have SO much hope that it worked.  I am still temping. I just cant seem to stay away from it. Here is my today and here is my UGLY BFN.

                                       
 And here is the bane of my existence... another negative test...

Couldn't help myself!

Temped today! STILL af type cramps. No sore boobs or nipps today. Nothing. Temp went up a little bit! FINGERS AND TOES CROSSED!!!!! PLEASE GOD LET THIS WORK!!!!

No more...

...temping for the rest of this cycle. I am obsessing WAY too much. I am always staring at my temps and comparing them to my past charts or comparing them to other people's charts. It is too much. My temps have taken a little dip (which does not really mean anything) and seem to be following the same patterns of my other charts. I still have Af type cramps and sore nipps. I will symptom spot if anything comes up but I am going to take it easy for the rest of this cycle. Here is where I am leaving off... HOPEFULLY it ends in a bfp...

                                          

Here they are laid over previous charts (this month is the darker blue).  They all take a dip around the same time...

Anyhoo, NO MORE TEMPING THIS CYCLE!!! Stay tuned! xo

Up she goes!

Temps went up again this am! I am 5po and so far the symptoms/side effects of the Clomid are:

• Af type cramping
• Headache
• Exhaustion (Been going to bed at 9:30 the last three nights)
• Depression - Yup, that is the only way I can describe it. Lots of crying and feeling super down and upset.  I guess you could describe it as being overly emotional but then again, the depression and the sleeping can go hand in hand.
• Sore/itchy nipples

Have a look! PLEASE GOD THEY STAY UP! I am going to stop temping after tomorrow morning I think. I just want to take it easy and try not to obsess too much. My temps could be high because the clomid gave me a nice, strong O.  It does not necessarily mean that I am pregnant. It is way too early to tell anyways!  

Friday Night

It's FRIDAY! And what am I doing? Sitting around the house with my dogs. At least I have the tree up right? Hubby is working evenings and I teach in the day time. What does that equal? TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK ABOUT THINGS! I have stared at my temps a number of times today. I have prayed a lot today and I have creeped on my pregnant friends on FB and drooled over their beautiful baby bellies. Will that be me in 2013? Oh God, I hope so. I hope 2013 is my year to become a mommy.  It wasn't 2009, it wasn't 2010, it wasn't 2011 and so, far not 2012.  When my time time is here, I'll be more than ready that is for sure.  Would you believe me if I told you I peed on an internet cheapie pregnancy test? I am THAT desperate to see two lines that when the inevitable stark white test screamed in my face, I peed on an opk just to see the hint of a second line. Makes me feel pathetic. I know I am not, more like desperate right?

Anyways, enough about me. I need prayers, people. Not for me this time. For my friend. She is waiting to have her blood work after her first round of IVF. She did not have any embryos left over to freeze and was implanted with the only two that survived. She tested bfn this am but I still have faith that it was too early. So pray people... she and her hubby (who also has MFI) need your prayers.

3dpo

So today I have been having a nagging sensation (hard to explain) near my left hipbone. I also feel overheated and became nauseated after lunch.  Probably nothing but I just want to keep track :) I'm getting back to my housework!

Finally got my Crosshairs!

Here they are! (Even tho I think it was CD16)

So, WHY am I feeling so down?  I am wallowing in self pity again today.  I wish I could find a way to be happy and positive but all I keep thinking is, "I don't want to have to do this again." I did not blog about the AWFUL pain and bloating I had between Tuesday and Wednesday.... I could barely sit down. I was in my fitness class and I had to leave because the pain was making me sick.  I was so embarrassed to leave in the middle of class. I just hate that it has to be so hard for so many women to do what is "nature's gift", get pregnant and have a baby.

What a blessing a child is... what a gift. I hear people complain about sleepless nights and teething and stretch marks and all of the "battle scars" that come along with motherhood and I would do ANYTHING.  Bring on the 30-40lbs and stretch marks! Sleep? I can sleep when I'm dead.  God, PLEASE bless us with an angel of our own. I am ready, WE are ready. I promise to give a child a wonderful life and a warm, loving, accepting family. Please God, hear my prayers.

Isn't it strange...

...that you can go so quickly from hopeful in the days leading up to O to so depressed in the two week wait?  My gosh, today I feel awful today.  I feel really hopeless and sad today. I guess it could have something to do with the beautiful pink lines my friends are celebrating? (and I am HAPPY for them :)) But I think it more has to do with something hurtful someone said to my friend about me after first meeting their new baby girl.

Last week I visited my dear friend and her baby boy ( who I LOVE) and she had a friend of her's visiting with her new born baby girl. This "friend" of hers was really frantic when she was TTC and I offered to meet with her for coffee and kind of help her out before she became pregnant. This was obviously a year ago as she has a 5 week old now. So, we chatted and she talked about how she was exhausted after ttc for 6 months and I listened, shared my story and even brought her a book on "how to get pregnant:"  When she became pregnant only weeks after our coffee date, she didn't even tell me... I found out on FB. I guess my feelings were hurt but I moved past it.

Back to last week... this women that I met for coffee was there with her beautiful new baby who was asleep in her chair. I cooed over her and told her that she was a beautiful baby and that she was very blessed. I then went back to snuggling and playing with my friend's baby boy.  If her baby was awake I would have held her too! Apparently because I did not wake her child up and snuggle her I was "jealous."  Imagine, how hurtful it was to hear that she had said that after my visit. Jealous? Let's not forget that I shared my story with her... she was also aware of the miscarriage I had in September... How cruel. Her words were.... "She didn't even care that *insert baby's name here* was there. She ignored her and it is because she is jealous that I got pregnant before her and have a baby." Wow.

I am not a bitter person. Yes, I have my days where I am down and I keep to myself; Yes, I look at pregnant women all over the place and I wish I could experience that joy; Yes, I want a baby but I am not bitter over people having babies. A baby is a blessing. A gift from God and no one is more deserving than another person.  So, was I jealous? Yup, probably. And deep down it hurt me to look at that baby lying there in her car seat but I was gracious and humble. She had no grounds to make that comment other than to be hurtful and to make herself feel good that someone was not as fortunate as her. It's really sad. I really do wish her and her new family health and happiness and nothing but joy as they celebrate the holiday season with their new baby girl.

I guess THAT is really what is hurting me today. I just cried a little and I guess I feel better to have purged my soul a little in this blog entry. I have been looking at my chart over and over today, praying that one of those swimmers made it. But I need to let go and try to relax. I really have no control. It is in God's hands. He has be in his hands and I'm sure he will bless us with our baby when the time is right.

No maybe about this one!!

WAHOO!

Maybe?

I don't think my opk is gonna get any darker. I am really thinking that O is today. HOPEFULLY my wonky temps give me a spike and I can confirm O in a few days! This waiting game SUCKS. I just wish I knew what was happening with my body. I have some seriously bloating and cramping today so please God it is my follicles getting ready to burst. Just checking in!

Thank you!

This is just a THANK YOU blog to all of the wonderful friends and family I have in my life. I trust you with my deepest joys and hurts and I am so grateful for your support. I could be on this journey for a long time or a short time but I know that I have you for the ride no matter what. Some of you will move onto your take home babies while other may truck along with me but I have to tell you, no matter what, the same love and support will be here for you on your journey. That is what we need to do, support each other.

Infertility, whether it be female, male or unexplained HURTS. It is painful in so many ways, deep in your soul.  No matter if you have been trying to have a baby for 1 year or 15 years, the anguish and hurt you feel is just as significant as the next woman's.  If you had been unfortunate enough to have experienced a loss like me, there is a hole that will never be filled and there will always be a nerve wrecking uncertainty with each subsequent pregnancy.  Whether you are trying naturally, medically stimulated, with IUI or IVF, the desired outcome is still the ... a beautiful bundle of joy to take home and nurture and love.

God Bless you all... xoxo

HAPPY DECEMBER!

Ohhh I love December :) Christmas really is my favorite time of year. I am just waiting for hubby to come home so I can surprise him with my decorated house :) I wanted to take out the decorations and make it nice and Christmassy!  We are both off tomorrow so we plan to watch Christmas movies and put up the tree! I am so very excited to spend the day with the one I love tomorrow!

As for my cycle, I have been having a lot of ovulation pain in both sides and some nice ewcm! WHOOP! Still no positive opk though so I guess only time will tell! Here are my temps!

So, it is looking pretty good! I am thinking that I will O either tomorrow or the next day :) I think I may nab hubby when he gets home hehe  Anyhoo, stay tuned! Please God, this clomid does the trick!! My fortune today was pretty encouraging....

Maybe I am... 

Time goes by slowly

Time goes by so slowly that it almost feels like I am standing still in this whole ttc thing. I am SO happy for my friends who have been successful in their journeys and the friends I have who are in the process of working towards their dreams but I guess, I just wish it was me. While everyone seems to pass by me, here I am.  I know I am taking clomid this cycle but a part of me really feels like it is pointless. I mean, I guess that means I am not convinced that hubby's count can pull it off.  Our schedules are so crazy right now with work and finding time for one another is very difficult.  Maybe it is just today. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better? I hope so.

I am having some cramping and mild pain in both of my ovaries but a negative opk. Maybe tomorrow will be O day. At least I will see hubby tomorrow. We are both off in the evening so we can spend some "quality time."

Congratulations to my teacher friend :) You know who you are. Wishing you a happy and healthy nine months :)

LAST PILL!

Sooooo, I just took my last pill!!!!  And now, we wait! I have been having a lot of pain in my left ovary all evening so I am hoping it is because I have some big, beautiful follies brewing! :) I really hope this is the month for us.  I am praying so hard for a Christmas miracle.  I just have to have faith that it will happen when it is meant to.

I guess today I am struggling with how hard it is for us and how easy it is for others. Yesterday, hubby and I went to the Christmas parade. It was a beautiful day and so many people were out with their babies and small kiddies to get their letters to Santa. I was standing with a friend of mine that we bumped into (who is struggling with infertility as well) and we were pretty much drooling over this beautiful baby girl the woman in front of us was holding in her bright pink snowsuit. We were joking about one of us running away with her while the other blocked the parents hhahaha TOO funny. Someday we will have beautiful babies of our own in their bright pink or flue snowsuits and someone will be standing behind us wishing they were as lucky as us... I know it.

Cycle day 7 and day 4 of Clomid!

So far, I have had a couple of hot flashes and few bouts of irritability (nothing new for me hahaha) and some spotting.  I am happy with how my body is reacting to the pills and I am really really hoping that this month is our month for a sticky baby bean :)

So, I decided to do an opk today and this is what I got....

Dark huh? For cycle day 7? I wonder how early you can actually ovulate on clomid?  I am thinking I may do some research on it because I never ever have an opk this dark so soon! Guess I am gonna have to start baby dancing! And SOON! Second last pill tonight ! Oh I hope this is our time! 

Day One...

So, I took my first pill of clomid last night. So far so good! Last night hubby said I was chatting away in my sleep. He swears he had a conversation with me about losing my car? Too funny! Today I am really bloated but no agitation or hot flashes or anything, so hopefully it stays that way!

I taught Art all day today to grade 7 and 8.  WHAT A DAY! hahaha It was interesting to say the least.  While I said above that I have not been agitated, I certainly found that I was quite short with some of the class clowns today. I found myself counting to ten in my mind a LOT ! The nature of a junior high school I guess!  Anyhoo, short and sweet today! Day two of clomid to follow!!

Shark week begins!

So, the witch has arrived! :) I didn't realize how excited I was to try clomid until now!  I am going to count tomorrow as cycle day one because I am so light that it is barely a flow. Thursday night I will take my first pill :) I plan to take them in the night times at 8pm. Hopefully I will sleep through whatever side effects are bestowed upon me!

I plan to temp this cycle. I want to have an idea of what clomid is doing to my cycle so I am prepared for anything when I do IUI in January. IF I have to at all :)  I am hoping this will do the trick and I have a happy and healthy nine months ahead of me. I am, as some would say, cautiously optimistic :)

And the spotting begins

So folks, looks like the witch is coming for a visit for another shark week. Started spotting and cramping today. As soon as things get moving and I get a confirmed cd 1, I will get my script for Clomid and take it from cd3-7 :) I am excited to try something new but nervous about the possible side effects.  One day at a time, one day at a time....

To help with this whole TTC business, I have been doing some personal training at my friend's gym. I love it. I love using the hand pads and the punching bag. It helps soooo much with my anxiety and frustration. So on top of my normal Boxfit classes throughout the week, I am training once a week with her. I plan to do two sessions while doing my round of Clomid.  I think that is a pretty good plan :) Should keep me focused on things other than TTC.

SOOOO, it's an exciting cycle for two of my dear friends! One is waiting to to do an egg retrieval for her first IVF cycle and another just had her first IUI with an awesome count and two beautiful, ripe follies :) I am so hopeful for you ladies. Those bfps are right around the corner, I can feel it! Hopefully I am not far behind :)

Onward I go!

And the verdict is?

So, my hubby and I saw the fertility specialist today :) The first thing she said was that she was happy to see that I had gotten pregnant naturally but was sorry about my loss. She does not feel that my hubby's swimmers are "too bad" and requested that we wait  until after Christmas to do a round of IUI. She explained that fertility is higher in the three months following a HSG and suggested that we try clomid for a couple of cycles. My hubby and I decided that we will do clomid for the upcoming cycle but we will take Christmas OFF.  We are booked to go back Jan 8th and the Dr said that if we are not pregnant by then, she will do IUI :)  At least it is a plan!! She talked to me about the risks of multiples and said that I am "young" (which ANNOYS me to no end) and that she is hopeful that we can get pregnant without IUI. I guess only time will tell. We will do as she has suggested but when Jan 8th comes and I see her again (if I am not pregnant) I am having IUI. Come hell or high water. And so we wait....

Patience is a virtue

It would be just about time to announce to our friends about our pregnancy if it had survived in September.... I thought about it a lot last night ... I am thinking about it a lot today.  I logged onto my Facebook this morning and saw the sweetest pregnancy announcement.  It was a picture of my two friends' hands cupped around  each other with scrabble letters that spelled out "baby" and the caption read: Reagan and I are getting one of these!! Sadly, it won't be here in time for Christmas!

They are due The last week of May.... The same time I would be expecting my bundle. WHY do I even think about that? It is torture. Yet, I torture myself all the time... looking at baby clothes and planning my nursery. UGH.  Okay, moving on...

Tomorrow I see the fertility specialist! We plan our IUI cycle and get our prescription for the meds we will be taking. I hope it goes well. I hope the doctor has a good plan and she is hopeful that we will get our baby.   I am just nervous and I guess I am hyper sensitive to things because the reality of IUI and a medically assisted cycle is really kicking in.  I guess I feel like I have already beaten the odds of a natural pregnancy and I am back to square one.  Anyways, tomorrow is the beginning of another journey and I know the payoff will be our beautiful baby.... someday.... someday soon.

Too much time...

Too much time to think when I am on my own. I have been sick with the flu since Friday and I have been on my couch watching television since then, pretty much.  Yesterday, my darling husband was home with me but today he is working. All I am doing is THINKING. Thinking about what was, what could have been and now, what is to come ( Geesh, I sound like an old Christmas movie).  I am so desperate for a BFP this month... I guess it is because I know this is the last try before we move onto IUI. The idea of all of those extra hormones scare me sooooo much. I am already a basket case during my tww and don't even get me started on PMS. I am so frenzied to get a bfp this month that I have already taken like three tests and I am pretty sure it has not even been a week since I ovulated. So yesterday, I tested....

Do you see that shadow???  Here is an inverted one....

Well, it is only a silly internet cheapie and they are well known for their terrible tricks. I am WAY too early in my cycle to see anything... I know that.... logically. But I guess we don't think logically all the time, especially when we want something so bad. It happened for us ONCE... I saw those two PERFECTLY pink lines and those words reading PREGNANT on a digital test. I had it and I WANT IT again.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about the miscarriage. When will I forget? When will it feel better? I have an emptiness and I want it to be filled so badly that I am subjecting myself to testing during a time when it is impossible to see anything. Anyways, that is my ramble. I am hopped up on cold meds (acetaminophen based of course) and coated in vicks vapo rub and I am gonna sit back and enjoy my Sunday night television. 

Remembrance Day

Well, today, I just want to write a big thank you to all of the men and women who fought for our country so that we could have the freedom that we have today. So many lost their lives, so many lost their brothers, sisters, children, mommies and daddies... I am forever grateful for your bravery and, if I was not so sick with the flu, I would be on Water Street today for the assembly and wearing my poppy proudly. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

3 More Days!

It's been a few days since my last post! I have recently been blessed with the flu! YUCK! So, needless to say I have been feeling miserable for the last couple of days. One of the downsides to teaching, I guess... constantly soaking in the germs of kids. Ah well, it is worth it. I love my job, germs and all.

SO! In three days we see the RE!!!! We get to decide what medications we will use for the upcoming (and fast approaching) IUI cycle! I have a lot of questions for the doctor that is for sure. I am super nervous about the hormones that will be raging through my body. On a good day I am overly emotional and don't even  get me started on PMS week... My poor husband. I hope he is prepared :)  

There is still a part of me that is hoping and praying that I managed to fall pregnant naturally this cycle. I am on cd 17 now and I have no idea when the magic day was since I have boycotted temping and ran out of opks. I guess only time will tell.  To give you an idea about insanely crazy I can be, I took two cheapie tests already--OBVIOUSLY negative because I am only cd 17! I guess I am grasping for straws.  One day at a time, one day at a time.

I am off to rest up and watch some lame movies for the rest of the day... who am I kidding?... for the rest of the long weekend :) But before I go, I wanted to share my "fortune cookie" fortune that I got this morning....

"Endurance and persistence will be rewarded"

I think that's the last of them

When hubby and I found out we were expecting, we were less than quiet about it.  We told our close friends and family almost immediately.  The night I got my first positive test, I went to the drug store to buy another test and bumped into my cooperating teacher (the teacher I completed my internship with) and she was in the aisle with the tests. Obviously, she saw I was buying a test and, in the sheer thrill of seeing those lines, I told her I was pregnant. I have not seen her since that day... until today.

Today, I taught at the school I completed my internship in.  I made a beeline for her class in hopes that I would catch her alone to tell her that "things did not work out." When I saw her she was thrilled to see me and hugged me and asked how things were going. I just shook my head and you could tell that she felt awful.  I am so glad that that is the LAST person I need to tell about my loss. It is such a kick in the stomach ever single time. I can guarantee one thing, when I get pregnant again... WHEN not IF.... I will not be so quick to shout it from the rooftops. I am ready to move on from the darkness of my miscarriage... It is time to move forward...

A star cannot shine without darkness

Ode to Aunt Flo

     I found this poem on a site and it made me laugh out loud. I hope you enjoy it as much as I    did ....                           

                                 Months of quests for good conception, 

Lots of sex without protection, 

Temp at six and no exceptions, 

Aunt Flo is one day late.

Dark line on my OPK, 

EWCM for days and days, 

Lord please make her stay away, 

Aunt Flo is one day late.

Fantasies in pink and blue, 

I wish and pray that they come true, 

TTC girls say they will too, 

Aunt Flo is one day late.

Boobs feel bigger and maybe sore, 

Maybe I can smell things more, 

Off we go now to the store, 

Aunt Flo is one day late.

Do we wait for FMU? 

I can't wait that long, can you? 

Just incase, we bought two, 

Aunt Flo is one day late.

Take it now, don't hesitate! 

Two lines that will decide my fate, 

Is all I want to see but wait!!!!! 

Ohhhhh NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Seeing red, I close my eyes, 

Such a horrible surprise, 

OOOh that witch I do despise!!! 

A message from a dear friend....

My friend Pepe asked me to post this to my blog for her. For some reason she could not post a comment so, because she is so special to me, she gets her very own entry :)

Without you these past few moths, where would I be? You have grounded me in every way, you have taught me to be a better person and be patient when it came to TTC You struggled and my struggles seemed worthless, I want you to know how much you mean to me and that one day WE will have children and WE will be more that just friends through a computer screen. I wish you all the luck with the 4th coming IUI, you will be a Mommy, I just know you will, what the heck, you dont need luck, it come naturally to you xxx

Love you, Pepe. xo

Television Tear Jerker

Last week, my friend sent me a text message telling me that she had just watched a commercial that left her in tears. She described a Carters commercial but I assumed that, since I had not seen it and I had not heard of the store, it was not in Canada.  Well, a few days ago, I was watching my daily addiction, "A Baby Story", living vicariously through the new moms, pushing and crying along with them, and then it happened.... that Carters commercial.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_gtD5U9Bck

Are you bawling? I know I did. My husband was at work thankfully so he did not have to be subjected to the mess I had become after watching this 1 minute 1 second television add.  It left me feeling SO desperate for a child... a tiny human being--a mix of  my husband and me--a living, breathing, child of my own that depends on me for their existence.  As the commercial states, "When a child is born, so is a mom."  I wonder when I will be born... I wonder when I will hold that little one for the first time. I just cannot imagine the feel that must be, to know that you are FINALLY holding your baby. I know it will happen. I know this because I refuse to accept that it will not. I deserve to be a mom. I have the best mom in the world and I need to have the opportunity to give that unfaltering love and friendship to a child of my own. I have certainly learned from the best. That I know for sure. I love you mom :)

Perhaps when I have a child of my own, I will return to this blog post and watch the Carters commercial and, instead of feeling heartache, I will feel joy because I will be able to relate to the woman in the commercial snuggling her baby and I will be looking forward to things in the commercial... Then I will be "born."

Just so you know :)

                                                                     Thanks Pepe :)

A shout out to...

Instead of pissing and moaning about my fertility misfortunes, today I am going to send a thank you out to the biggest supports in my life. I have the most AMAZING friends and family. I am not sure how I would have ever managed to get through the past three years if I didn't have them surrounding me. Central to my support system has been a group of online buddies...

When I started my TTC (trying to conceive) journey, I decided to join a website called "Fertility Friend." There, I met some of the most incredible woman who have been such a huge support to me. On my down days, on my happier days and through some of my darkest days.... they were there. I could never name each of the women who have, in some way, touched my life through a computer screen BUT I will make a special point to recognize THREE of them.  I will use their screen names for privacy purposes.

Angelkitty
Oh girl, where so I start? We go way back. Back to when we learned about our husbands male factor infertility... back when the world felt like it was falling in on us and every step we took towards our babies left us three steps behind. You are such an amazing woman and I am incredibly grateful to have you in my life and even MORE grateful to be entering into an exciting new chapter of my life, right alongside you.  In less than two weeks, you start the IVF process and I start the IUI process. Here we are. We have waited so long for this and I am so excited to get that text from you telling me that you and your handsome hubby are expecting that miracle. You have been a pillar of strength for me and I hope that I have reciprocated with even half of the love and support you have given me. Here is her blog if you would like to follow her journey...

positivelywaiting.wordpress.com

Pepe
YOU are one of the strongest women I have ever known. Yup, that's right, YOU. I cannot imagine going through the heartache that you have in this TTC whirlwind. You listen to my whining and moaning about the everyday struggles of a woman aching for motherhood and here you are, in the same boat. just with a much more heart wrenching story. I could never compare my experience to yours but I want you to know that I share in it with you.  We talk everyday in some form or another and you are so significant in my life. I appreciate you beyond words. We WILL share in more than just a sad story, we WILL be mommies and we will share those beautiful, happy experiences together one day. I know it. 

Lyndsteach
It is actually uncanny the similarities in our stories. We are both teachers (who love our jobs--a rarity in this field), we both fell pregnant miraculously on our own before IUI and only days apart from one another. Sadly, we also lost that miracle within days of each other. Here we are, starting fresh and just about to get started on our first IUI cycles. We were meant to meet. I know that and I am so glad that I had your support during my loss. As awful as it is that we were both struggling with the same detriment, it was such a comfort to know that someone understood the anguish in my heart. I look forward to experiencing the JOY of a successful IUI and a beautiful take home baby. If you would like to read about Lynds's experience, here is her blog.  It is so beautifully written:

http://shehornfamily.blogspot.ca/

SO much love....

Rayof Sunshine

"We are made to persist. That's how we find out who we are."

Still haunting me...

So, I'm a substitute teacher. Back in September when I was pregnant, I was teaching at a new school and was very sick with nausea and vomiting--the happiest sick person ever, none the less. I was doing classroom support for a teacher and had to leave suddenly. Of course I felt like I owed her an explanation so I privately told her that I had newly discovered that I was expecting and was sick with nausea. I asked her to keep it to herself....WELL, apparently her loose lips got the better of her. When I had the loss, I told her that "things did not work out" and received the regular line..."Oh, I am so sorry... everything happens for a reason."  That's fine. It's what people do. What else are you supposed to say?

Yesterday, I was working in the same school and was chatting among the teachers in the lounge. A teacher looked at me (loudly and direct) and said, "You're pregnant, aren't ya?" and I replied, "nope, not me."  She went on to say, " I could have sworn (insert name here) told me that you were pregnant...newly pregnant."  She was relentless. I mean, get clue! I moved closer to her and quietly said, "I was pregnant but things did not work out." What does she do? She says, in a voice as loud as a deaf old woman, "Ohhhh, ya lost it? I'm so sorry."  I wanted to crawl into a hole. What an uncomfortable moment for me. Everyone was looking at me. Everyone had this look of sheer pity on their faces. Ya know that saying, "saved by the bell?" Well, thank the LORD, I was. It was time to head to my homeroom and get settled in for the afternoon. I stayed away from the lounge the rest of the day and manage to avoid all of the teachers for the rest of the day. Just another day in the life of me.

On a high note, my requisition came in the mail today for our fertility specialist appointment! November 13th :) 11 more days and we will have a plan. I am so excited! Stay tuned !

Waiting

Well, I have never blogged or followed a blog, for that matter, but here I am! I decided that I needed an outlet of my own to write about the daily struggles I face as a woman with infertility and let me tell you, it SUCKS. 

I never realized how prominent infertility truly was until I joined a fertility website about three years ago called fertilityfriend.com. Through this site, I have met so many women fighting to have a baby of their own. There have been many nights that I have typed through my tears expressing the agony that there are just no words suitable to describe. Unless you are unfortunate enough to feel the same agony, you could never know.  It is like there is a "mommy club" and I will never be a part of it. And it is not as though I am not deserving, I am exactly the opposite... I waited to be married to a wonderful man and I waited until we were stable... I WAITED.... and I am still waiting.... Here is my story.

Three years ago, I married the love of my life. He and I always wanted to have a family and we decided to "throw caution to the wind" shortly after we said our vows.  After about a year, I began temping and using OPKs. We started "actively trying."  I always knew somewhere deep inside me that I would have difficulty getting pregnant. I really can't explain why but I just did. We saw my family doctor who ordered a bunch of blood work and an SA for my hubby... Sure enough... low count and low motility. That, combined with my 23 day cycles was certainly no recipe for success. We received a requisition to see one of the two fertility specialists in our province... 11 months later. And so we WAIT... again. 

On September 12, 2012, we saw the fertility doctor and she told us that she wanted me to have a HSG after my next period and felt that we were good candidates for IUI. So, I wait for the dreaded aunt flow.... and I wait and WAIT. Where is she?   Well, a week after our appointment, I test positive on a home pregnancy test. POSITIVE. I fell to my knees and cried on my bathroom floor and thanked God for the miracle before my eyes... TWO pink lines. Not the stark white test blaring and screaming failure month after month... it was positive and I was going to have a baby. 
This was on September 19th.

On September 24th, my husband and I were out for a drive and, oddly enough, we were discussing baby names... I was waiting to hear from the doctor about my betas... it came. The dreaded call came. My betas were not doubling. In fact, they had barely risen and I was told that I would likely miscarry. So, I WAITED...On September 29th, I lost the pregnancy and a part of me was lost too. I will never forget my husband (who was in disbelief) looking at me and saying these words...
           
               "God is not that cruel. We have waited for so long for this. To finally see a specialist and
                 fall pregnant naturally? Everything will be okay... he is not that cruel."

Well, here I am waiting again. But this time I am waiting to start IUI.  We see the specialist on November 13 to discuss what medications we will use. Because of my short cycles, I should have the insemination by the end of November. And the waiting continues....