Thursday 29 November 2012

Time goes by slowly

Time goes by so slowly that it almost feels like I am standing still in this whole ttc thing. I am SO happy for my friends who have been successful in their journeys and the friends I have who are in the process of working towards their dreams but I guess, I just wish it was me. While everyone seems to pass by me, here I am.  I know I am taking clomid this cycle but a part of me really feels like it is pointless. I mean, I guess that means I am not convinced that hubby's count can pull it off.  Our schedules are so crazy right now with work and finding time for one another is very difficult.  Maybe it is just today. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better? I hope so.

I am having some cramping and mild pain in both of my ovaries but a negative opk. Maybe tomorrow will be O day. At least I will see hubby tomorrow. We are both off in the evening so we can spend some "quality time."

Congratulations to my teacher friend :) You know who you are. Wishing you a happy and healthy nine months :)

Monday 26 November 2012

LAST PILL!

Sooooo, I just took my last pill!!!!  And now, we wait! I have been having a lot of pain in my left ovary all evening so I am hoping it is because I have some big, beautiful follies brewing! :) I really hope this is the month for us.  I am praying so hard for a Christmas miracle.  I just have to have faith that it will happen when it is meant to.

I guess today I am struggling with how hard it is for us and how easy it is for others. Yesterday, hubby and I went to the Christmas parade. It was a beautiful day and so many people were out with their babies and small kiddies to get their letters to Santa. I was standing with a friend of mine that we bumped into (who is struggling with infertility as well) and we were pretty much drooling over this beautiful baby girl the woman in front of us was holding in her bright pink snowsuit. We were joking about one of us running away with her while the other blocked the parents hhahaha TOO funny. Someday we will have beautiful babies of our own in their bright pink or flue snowsuits and someone will be standing behind us wishing they were as lucky as us... I know it.




Sunday 25 November 2012

Cycle day 7 and day 4 of Clomid!

So far, I have had a couple of hot flashes and few bouts of irritability (nothing new for me hahaha) and some spotting.  I am happy with how my body is reacting to the pills and I am really really hoping that this month is our month for a sticky baby bean :)

So, I decided to do an opk today and this is what I got....


Dark huh? For cycle day 7? I wonder how early you can actually ovulate on clomid?  I am thinking I may do some research on it because I never ever have an opk this dark so soon! Guess I am gonna have to start baby dancing! And SOON! Second last pill tonight ! Oh I hope this is our time! 

Friday 23 November 2012

Day One...

So, I took my first pill of clomid last night. So far so good! Last night hubby said I was chatting away in my sleep. He swears he had a conversation with me about losing my car? Too funny! Today I am really bloated but no agitation or hot flashes or anything, so hopefully it stays that way!

I taught Art all day today to grade 7 and 8.  WHAT A DAY! hahaha It was interesting to say the least.  While I said above that I have not been agitated, I certainly found that I was quite short with some of the class clowns today. I found myself counting to ten in my mind a LOT ! The nature of a junior high school I guess!  Anyhoo, short and sweet today! Day two of clomid to follow!!

Monday 19 November 2012

Shark week begins!

So, the witch has arrived! :) I didn't realize how excited I was to try clomid until now!  I am going to count tomorrow as cycle day one because I am so light that it is barely a flow. Thursday night I will take my first pill :) I plan to take them in the night times at 8pm. Hopefully I will sleep through whatever side effects are bestowed upon me!

I plan to temp this cycle. I want to have an idea of what clomid is doing to my cycle so I am prepared for anything when I do IUI in January. IF I have to at all :)  I am hoping this will do the trick and I have a happy and healthy nine months ahead of me. I am, as some would say, cautiously optimistic :)


Saturday 17 November 2012

And the spotting begins

So folks, looks like the witch is coming for a visit for another shark week. Started spotting and cramping today. As soon as things get moving and I get a confirmed cd 1, I will get my script for Clomid and take it from cd3-7 :) I am excited to try something new but nervous about the possible side effects.  One day at a time, one day at a time....

To help with this whole TTC business, I have been doing some personal training at my friend's gym. I love it. I love using the hand pads and the punching bag. It helps soooo much with my anxiety and frustration. So on top of my normal Boxfit classes throughout the week, I am training once a week with her. I plan to do two sessions while doing my round of Clomid.  I think that is a pretty good plan :) Should keep me focused on things other than TTC.

SOOOO, it's an exciting cycle for two of my dear friends! One is waiting to to do an egg retrieval for her first IVF cycle and another just had her first IUI with an awesome count and two beautiful, ripe follies :) I am so hopeful for you ladies. Those bfps are right around the corner, I can feel it! Hopefully I am not far behind :)

Onward I go!

Tuesday 13 November 2012

And the verdict is?

So, my hubby and I saw the fertility specialist today :) The first thing she said was that she was happy to see that I had gotten pregnant naturally but was sorry about my loss. She does not feel that my hubby's swimmers are "too bad" and requested that we wait  until after Christmas to do a round of IUI. She explained that fertility is higher in the three months following a HSG and suggested that we try clomid for a couple of cycles. My hubby and I decided that we will do clomid for the upcoming cycle but we will take Christmas OFF.  We are booked to go back Jan 8th and the Dr said that if we are not pregnant by then, she will do IUI :)  At least it is a plan!! She talked to me about the risks of multiples and said that I am "young" (which ANNOYS me to no end) and that she is hopeful that we can get pregnant without IUI. I guess only time will tell. We will do as she has suggested but when Jan 8th comes and I see her again (if I am not pregnant) I am having IUI. Come hell or high water. And so we wait....

Monday 12 November 2012

Patience is a virtue

It would be just about time to announce to our friends about our pregnancy if it had survived in September.... I thought about it a lot last night ... I am thinking about it a lot today.  I logged onto my Facebook this morning and saw the sweetest pregnancy announcement.  It was a picture of my two friends' hands cupped around  each other with scrabble letters that spelled out "baby" and the caption read: Reagan and I are getting one of these!! Sadly, it won't be here in time for Christmas!

They are due The last week of May.... The same time I would be expecting my bundle. WHY do I even think about that? It is torture. Yet, I torture myself all the time... looking at baby clothes and planning my nursery. UGH.  Okay, moving on...

Tomorrow I see the fertility specialist! We plan our IUI cycle and get our prescription for the meds we will be taking. I hope it goes well. I hope the doctor has a good plan and she is hopeful that we will get our baby.   I am just nervous and I guess I am hyper sensitive to things because the reality of IUI and a medically assisted cycle is really kicking in.  I guess I feel like I have already beaten the odds of a natural pregnancy and I am back to square one.  Anyways, tomorrow is the beginning of another journey and I know the payoff will be our beautiful baby.... someday.... someday soon.

Sunday 11 November 2012

Too much time...

Too much time to think when I am on my own. I have been sick with the flu since Friday and I have been on my couch watching television since then, pretty much.  Yesterday, my darling husband was home with me but today he is working. All I am doing is THINKING. Thinking about what was, what could have been and now, what is to come ( Geesh, I sound like an old Christmas movie).  I am so desperate for a BFP this month... I guess it is because I know this is the last try before we move onto IUI. The idea of all of those extra hormones scare me sooooo much. I am already a basket case during my tww and don't even get me started on PMS. I am so frenzied to get a bfp this month that I have already taken like three tests and I am pretty sure it has not even been a week since I ovulated. So yesterday, I tested....


Do you see that shadow???  Here is an inverted one....


Well, it is only a silly internet cheapie and they are well known for their terrible tricks. I am WAY too early in my cycle to see anything... I know that.... logically. But I guess we don't think logically all the time, especially when we want something so bad. It happened for us ONCE... I saw those two PERFECTLY pink lines and those words reading PREGNANT on a digital test. I had it and I WANT IT again.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about the miscarriage. When will I forget? When will it feel better? I have an emptiness and I want it to be filled so badly that I am subjecting myself to testing during a time when it is impossible to see anything. Anyways, that is my ramble. I am hopped up on cold meds (acetaminophen based of course) and coated in vicks vapo rub and I am gonna sit back and enjoy my Sunday night television. 


Remembrance Day

Well, today, I just want to write a big thank you to all of the men and women who fought for our country so that we could have the freedom that we have today. So many lost their lives, so many lost their brothers, sisters, children, mommies and daddies... I am forever grateful for your bravery and, if I was not so sick with the flu, I would be on Water Street today for the assembly and wearing my poppy proudly. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.




Saturday 10 November 2012

3 More Days!

It's been a few days since my last post! I have recently been blessed with the flu! YUCK! So, needless to say I have been feeling miserable for the last couple of days. One of the downsides to teaching, I guess... constantly soaking in the germs of kids. Ah well, it is worth it. I love my job, germs and all.

SO! In three days we see the RE!!!! We get to decide what medications we will use for the upcoming (and fast approaching) IUI cycle! I have a lot of questions for the doctor that is for sure. I am super nervous about the hormones that will be raging through my body. On a good day I am overly emotional and don't even  get me started on PMS week... My poor husband. I hope he is prepared :)  

There is still a part of me that is hoping and praying that I managed to fall pregnant naturally this cycle. I am on cd 17 now and I have no idea when the magic day was since I have boycotted temping and ran out of opks. I guess only time will tell.  To give you an idea about insanely crazy I can be, I took two cheapie tests already--OBVIOUSLY negative because I am only cd 17! I guess I am grasping for straws.  One day at a time, one day at a time.

I am off to rest up and watch some lame movies for the rest of the day... who am I kidding?... for the rest of the long weekend :) But before I go, I wanted to share my "fortune cookie" fortune that I got this morning....

"Endurance and persistence will be rewarded"


Tuesday 6 November 2012

I think that's the last of them

When hubby and I found out we were expecting, we were less than quiet about it.  We told our close friends and family almost immediately.  The night I got my first positive test, I went to the drug store to buy another test and bumped into my cooperating teacher (the teacher I completed my internship with) and she was in the aisle with the tests. Obviously, she saw I was buying a test and, in the sheer thrill of seeing those lines, I told her I was pregnant. I have not seen her since that day... until today.

Today, I taught at the school I completed my internship in.  I made a beeline for her class in hopes that I would catch her alone to tell her that "things did not work out." When I saw her she was thrilled to see me and hugged me and asked how things were going. I just shook my head and you could tell that she felt awful.  I am so glad that that is the LAST person I need to tell about my loss. It is such a kick in the stomach ever single time. I can guarantee one thing, when I get pregnant again... WHEN not IF.... I will not be so quick to shout it from the rooftops. I am ready to move on from the darkness of my miscarriage... It is time to move forward...

A star cannot shine without darkness





Monday 5 November 2012

Ode to Aunt Flo


     I found this poem on a site and it made me laugh out loud. I hope you enjoy it as much as I    did ....                           

                                 Months of quests for good conception, 
Lots of sex without protection, 
Temp at six and no exceptions, 
Aunt Flo is one day late.
Dark line on my OPK, 
EWCM for days and days, 
Lord please make her stay away, 
Aunt Flo is one day late.

Fantasies in pink and blue, 
I wish and pray that they come true, 
TTC girls say they will too, 
Aunt Flo is one day late.

Boobs feel bigger and maybe sore, 
Maybe I can smell things more, 
Off we go now to the store, 
Aunt Flo is one day late.

Do we wait for FMU? 
I can't wait that long, can you? 
Just incase, we bought two, 
Aunt Flo is one day late.

Take it now, don't hesitate! 
Two lines that will decide my fate, 
Is all I want to see but wait!!!!! 
Ohhhhh NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!


Seeing red, I close my eyes, 
Such a horrible surprise, 
OOOh that witch I do despise!!! 

Sunday 4 November 2012

A message from a dear friend....

My friend Pepe asked me to post this to my blog for her. For some reason she could not post a comment so, because she is so special to me, she gets her very own entry :)

Without you these past few moths, where would I be? You have grounded me in every way, you have taught me to be a better person and be patient when it came to TTC You struggled and my struggles seemed worthless, I want you to know how much you mean to me and that one day WE will have children and WE will be more that just friends through a computer screen. I wish you all the luck with the 4th coming IUI, you will be a Mommy, I just know you will, what the heck, you dont need luck, it come naturally to you xxx

Love you, Pepe. xo

Television Tear Jerker

Last week, my friend sent me a text message telling me that she had just watched a commercial that left her in tears. She described a Carters commercial but I assumed that, since I had not seen it and I had not heard of the store, it was not in Canada.  Well, a few days ago, I was watching my daily addiction, "A Baby Story", living vicariously through the new moms, pushing and crying along with them, and then it happened.... that Carters commercial.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_gtD5U9Bck

Are you bawling? I know I did. My husband was at work thankfully so he did not have to be subjected to the mess I had become after watching this 1 minute 1 second television add.  It left me feeling SO desperate for a child... a tiny human being--a mix of  my husband and me--a living, breathing, child of my own that depends on me for their existence.  As the commercial states, "When a child is born, so is a mom."  I wonder when I will be born... I wonder when I will hold that little one for the first time. I just cannot imagine the feel that must be, to know that you are FINALLY holding your baby. I know it will happen. I know this because I refuse to accept that it will not. I deserve to be a mom. I have the best mom in the world and I need to have the opportunity to give that unfaltering love and friendship to a child of my own. I have certainly learned from the best. That I know for sure. I love you mom :)

Perhaps when I have a child of my own, I will return to this blog post and watch the Carters commercial and, instead of feeling heartache, I will feel joy because I will be able to relate to the woman in the commercial snuggling her baby and I will be looking forward to things in the commercial... Then I will be "born."

Saturday 3 November 2012

Just so you know :)


                                                                     Thanks Pepe :)

A shout out to...

Instead of pissing and moaning about my fertility misfortunes, today I am going to send a thank you out to the biggest supports in my life. I have the most AMAZING friends and family. I am not sure how I would have ever managed to get through the past three years if I didn't have them surrounding me. Central to my support system has been a group of online buddies...

When I started my TTC (trying to conceive) journey, I decided to join a website called "Fertility Friend." There, I met some of the most incredible woman who have been such a huge support to me. On my down days, on my happier days and through some of my darkest days.... they were there. I could never name each of the women who have, in some way, touched my life through a computer screen BUT I will make a special point to recognize THREE of them.  I will use their screen names for privacy purposes.

Angelkitty
Oh girl, where so I start? We go way back. Back to when we learned about our husbands male factor infertility... back when the world felt like it was falling in on us and every step we took towards our babies left us three steps behind. You are such an amazing woman and I am incredibly grateful to have you in my life and even MORE grateful to be entering into an exciting new chapter of my life, right alongside you.  In less than two weeks, you start the IVF process and I start the IUI process. Here we are. We have waited so long for this and I am so excited to get that text from you telling me that you and your handsome hubby are expecting that miracle. You have been a pillar of strength for me and I hope that I have reciprocated with even half of the love and support you have given me. Here is her blog if you would like to follow her journey...

positivelywaiting.wordpress.com

Pepe
YOU are one of the strongest women I have ever known. Yup, that's right, YOU. I cannot imagine going through the heartache that you have in this TTC whirlwind. You listen to my whining and moaning about the everyday struggles of a woman aching for motherhood and here you are, in the same boat. just with a much more heart wrenching story. I could never compare my experience to yours but I want you to know that I share in it with you.  We talk everyday in some form or another and you are so significant in my life. I appreciate you beyond words. We WILL share in more than just a sad story, we WILL be mommies and we will share those beautiful, happy experiences together one day. I know it. 

Lyndsteach
It is actually uncanny the similarities in our stories. We are both teachers (who love our jobs--a rarity in this field), we both fell pregnant miraculously on our own before IUI and only days apart from one another. Sadly, we also lost that miracle within days of each other. Here we are, starting fresh and just about to get started on our first IUI cycles. We were meant to meet. I know that and I am so glad that I had your support during my loss. As awful as it is that we were both struggling with the same detriment, it was such a comfort to know that someone understood the anguish in my heart. I look forward to experiencing the JOY of a successful IUI and a beautiful take home baby. If you would like to read about Lynds's experience, here is her blog.  It is so beautifully written:

http://shehornfamily.blogspot.ca/

SO much love....

Rayof Sunshine






Friday 2 November 2012

"We are made to persist. That's how we find out who we are."


Still haunting me...

So, I'm a substitute teacher. Back in September when I was pregnant, I was teaching at a new school and was very sick with nausea and vomiting--the happiest sick person ever, none the less. I was doing classroom support for a teacher and had to leave suddenly. Of course I felt like I owed her an explanation so I privately told her that I had newly discovered that I was expecting and was sick with nausea. I asked her to keep it to herself....WELL, apparently her loose lips got the better of her. When I had the loss, I told her that "things did not work out" and received the regular line..."Oh, I am so sorry... everything happens for a reason."  That's fine. It's what people do. What else are you supposed to say?

Yesterday, I was working in the same school and was chatting among the teachers in the lounge. A teacher looked at me (loudly and direct) and said, "You're pregnant, aren't ya?" and I replied, "nope, not me."  She went on to say, " I could have sworn (insert name here) told me that you were pregnant...newly pregnant."  She was relentless. I mean, get clue! I moved closer to her and quietly said, "I was pregnant but things did not work out." What does she do? She says, in a voice as loud as a deaf old woman, "Ohhhh, ya lost it? I'm so sorry."  I wanted to crawl into a hole. What an uncomfortable moment for me. Everyone was looking at me. Everyone had this look of sheer pity on their faces. Ya know that saying, "saved by the bell?" Well, thank the LORD, I was. It was time to head to my homeroom and get settled in for the afternoon. I stayed away from the lounge the rest of the day and manage to avoid all of the teachers for the rest of the day. Just another day in the life of me.

On a high note, my requisition came in the mail today for our fertility specialist appointment! November 13th :) 11 more days and we will have a plan. I am so excited! Stay tuned !