YEEEHAWWW!!!!!

I CANNOT STOP STARING AT THESE TESTS!! COME ON MONDAY! I NEED TO KNOW MY BETAS!! 

Cautiously Optimistic ...

..ah HELL, who am I kidding? I am OVER THE MOON! :) I am pregnant. I AM PREGNANT! Yup ;) I know that because my test told me this morning...

So, now I have to pray that this little bean sticks with us the whole way home to it's Mommy and Daddy. I am so incredibly hopeful for this pregnancy :) I get blood work on Monday to see how my betas are and then we will do  repeat. THIS time they will double. THIS time, I will feel my baby grow and THIS time I will get to see my little miracle on a sonogram :)

 I have so many people praying for me.  I am so grateful for this. I really do believe in the power of prayer. I prayed every single night since my IUI for this. I did a nine day novena to St. Jude, I said my Hail Mary's and I talked to God every quiet chance I had. Thank you to all my wonderful friends and family for all the prayers. Keep them coming :) 

Not convinced...

As you all know, I ran out of the tests I used to test out my trigger yesterday. It seemed to be completely gone yesterday morning BUT I took a test this morning with second morning urine... AND...

I am not convinced that those lines are the real thing just yet. My darling cousin is getting her hands on the same tests I used to test out my trigger so I am going to see what happens after I hold my pee tonight.  I just have to pray that this is the real thing and that these lines get nice and dark over the next couple of days. I called the Dr. and she said that she will not draw a beta until Monday... If I test pos on Sunday, I have to call and then go in on Monday. HOW THE HELL DO I WAIT??? lol I guess I have to. I just hope this is not a trick. I guess that is why they are so overcautious at the clinic. Now, I wait.... and the nail biting continues.

PLEASE PRAY FOR US!!!

Neil and Karen

So, a dear friend of mine sent me a ink to a couple's video called "Birds and the Bees"... I watched it and had this moment of "AHA!"  I will certainly continue to watch all of their videos. It simply illustrates PERFECTLY the events in an "infertile's" life... Because that is what I am, that is what we are... infertile. We can't seem to get pregnant (and have it stick) on our own. Just watch...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYQUZDVUvt0

Today is one of those days where I am feeling realllllly sorry for myself. The trigger is gone and I miss seeing it... is that CRAZY? Like I miss seeing the two pink lines because, even though they were artificial, they were THERE and it was so comforting to see them again. Now they are gone and I am slowly losing hope that they will reappear. I am feeling really cramping and weepy... typical PMS symptoms for me... I could also be feeling super down because a FF friend of mine likely had a chemical pregnancy (one to add to a long list of chemicals and miscarriages). My heart is breaking for her. I was so excited to see her lines come back and darken. I wish I could take away the pain she is feeling in her heart right now. Unfortunately, it is a pain many people, like me, have to endure.  xo

Gone?

So, looks like the trigger shot is out of my system. There is a teeny weeny hint of a line but it is certainly going away. So, I really really hope that it comes back nice and bright! I am praying... HARD! Two more days left to my Novena to St. Jude... Maybe she is listening extra hard and putting in a good word with the man upstairs? One can only hope. Anyhoo.. Here is the tests:

Hmmmmm..

Nine days ago I had my trigger shot and it is still here. I am wondering if today is the last day for it. I cannot figure out what I think. It is lighter than yesterday right? I mean, in real life it looks the same. All the tests are dry. I am praying that it gets darker tomorrow. When I looked at the test in the container this morning after FMU, the test line was dark under the plastic. I hope that means it is coming back. All evening last night I was having cramping and pain and today again (just not as bad)... I really hope that is a good sign. I only have one more of these tests left so, after tomorrow I will have to use a FRER. I hope that these lines keeeeep getting darker!!! :) Stay tuned!

Dried tests....

The left one is today's. They are all pretty much the same... until tomorrow!

One week after IUI

Well, I am one week after IUI and, technically, I have another week until I am "allowed to test" hahaha FUNNY! Well, if the witch doesn't come, I will definitely be peeing on EVERY test I can find ! Today is eight days past my trigger shot and today's test is still pretty dark. I would say once it dries, the tests will be pretty close. I hope the line just gets darker :) I want this to be our month SO bad!!  Here is a picture of the tests...

Send those prayers our way!!!!

Just about gone

So, the HCG is just about out of my system...

I am going to hope and pray that the two ink lines return in full force within a week :) I want this so bad! A number of the ladies in the FF IUI forum got their bfps and I am going to get mine too! That joy is coming our way... I can feel it! Today I am feeling under the weather with a heavy head and a little fluish. Hopefully that is a good sign. I have had a headache off an on for a few days accompanied with nausea (which is normal when I get a headache). I know it is way too early for symptoms but who knows? Anyhoo, thought I would leave you with yet another, "Believe and Succeed" passage...

Hold your dreams close to your heart

and strive to make them come true.

Realize that it will not always be easy--
sometimes you may feel like giving up--
but remember that you are strong.
Value the hard times you experience
because they help make you stronger.
Look forward to the day when
your brightest dreams will come true.
Have faith in yourself,
be strong and hold on.
Keep believing in yourself,
because dream and treasures
that grow from the heart.

5 days past IUI

So, I am almost at the halfway mark to testing (although I am pretty sure I will end up testing around 10 or 11 dpiui). Yesterday, my wonderful cousin, who works at the pharmacy in my clinic, brought me home a few pregnancy tests so that I can continue to test out my trigger.  The dollar store brand realllllly suck. The dye runs and they don't seem to be overly sensitive so I needed to switch. I was right! Yesterday's dollar store test barely registered with a line and here is today's test (6 days past my hcg trigger)...

So, it is still there. Hopefully it disappears in the next few days and then come back in full force!! I WILL GET PREGNANT! Right? The power of positive thinking! Here is another entry from the book I have been reading to help stay positive and believe that this will work...

Listen to that voice inside you
that says you can accomplish anything.

Trust that feeling that tells you
you can achieve all that you hope for.

Believe that everything you want
is waiting for you.

Hold on to the knowledge
that nothing is impossible.

Remember that each person
who has ever achieved a goal
started out with only a dream.

Made the call

Just called the nurse at the fertility clinic and she was SO sweet and understanding. She told me to PUT AWAY THE THERMOMETER soooo, I am going to delete my temps and relax. She said that I had three nice follicles and that hubby's sperm washed up nice and I should just do some light exercise and relax. I know she is right but it is easier said than done. I am kinda bummed that I can't do my Boxfit class until Sunday :( Boo. I just want to be able to keep busy. I may try and find a water aerobics class for a few days so I can keep moving. I guess I just need to wait. It seems like I am ALWAYS waiting for something. The fact that this has been such a slow week with substitute teaching certainly is not helping at all because I am home allllll day watching television and consulting Dr. Google. So, about a hour ago, I went looking through my books to find something to read and I found an inspirational book called "Believe and Succeed." I wanted to share something in the book that made me feel better....

People who succeed don't give up.
When life gets rough, they hang in
until the going gets better.
They are flexible.
They realize there is more than one way
and are willing to try others.
They know they are not perfect.
They respect their weaknesses
while making the most of their strengths.
They fall, but they don't stay down.
They stubbornly refuse to let a fall
keep them from climbing.

... I will keep climbing

Waittttinnnnggggg SUCKS

So I am only 4 days past my insemination and I want to fast forwardddd SO bad. I am trying to be patient and focus on other things but it seems like I always go back to the same thing.... I have been watching "A Baby Story" all morning! Living vicariously through all of those happy new moms, perhaps?  I swear, I push with them while they are in labor and cry when they cry at the sound of their baby's first cry. What a SAP I am.

My trigger is much lighter today. I think it should be gone within a few days and my temp has really dropped. I popped in to see my FF friends and one of them eased my mind and explained that, because I am not on progesterone and my trigger is leaving my system, my temps are dropping. Let's hope that they shoot right back up. I am still considering having my progesterone levels checked... just to ease my mind. Maybe I will call the nurse today and see what she says. I want this cycle to be a success SO bad. Anyhoo, I am off. Gonna try and keep myself busy.

I may crack up

Yup, I may crack up before this tww is all said and done. I have been home all day and looking SO forward to my Boxfit class tonight because, honestly, it is my sanity. I took a few days off after the IUI to let things get to where they needed to go. Now, we have snow (lots of it) and the roads are bad so they have decided to cancel classes and close the gym. I know it is the best thing to do for safety purposes but I have to find SOMETHING to do before I go insane. hahahaha I made chili, I did dishes, washed and folded clothes, took a bath, finished reading my book and now what? Oh me nerves! God grant me patience! I want to know if this worked... I have a good feeling though :)

I lied...

So, I am doing everything I said I would NOT do. I have temped the last two mornings and yesterday, I bought four dollar store tests so that I could test out the trigger... I tell myself that I temped so that I am not blindsided if AF comes and, for the trigger, I tell myself that it is new and I want to see the progression. WHO AM I KIDDING? What a crock. Those are excuses for me to have something to obsess over! I wish I could fast forward the next two weeks. I want to know NOW. I started saying a novena last night (Catholic thing...) to St. Jude. I will continue the prayer for the next nine days. I swear I have done SO much bargaining with the Lord already. I guess I have to wait and if it is meant to be, it will be this cycle and if not, I will continue to pray and continue with IUI's until we get what we have prayed for...

Here are my two trigger tests so far.... Very light ! Maybe it will be out of my system by 6 or 7 dpo!  These are only cheap dollar tests too so, they may have been darker on a more expensive test...

PUPO

I have decided that I am going to be "PUPO" for the next two weeks.... Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. I took my temperature this morning... I could not help myself! I am going to try and have some restraint and NOT temp because I don't want to add any unnecessary stress. I know I will be up and down with the ups and downs of temps and there really isn't anything that my temps will do that will give me hope... I mean, I have seen some UGLY charts end in bfp and some gorgeous ones end in a stark white test.  I just feel like I need some sort of control! Over something...

So, for the next two weeks I am will learn the art of patience. As hard as that is, I need to focus on other things because, if not, I will obsess over every twinge and tickle in my tummy. If I am pregnant, I am. If I am not, we will take a month off and do another round of IUI.  I really miss my kickboxing classes... they are my sanity. I will head back and do low intensity cardio tomorrow. I wanted to take a few days and rest up and do as little as possible. I know one thing, when I do manage to get pregnant, I will be one fit mamma because I will continue to stay active (within reason) because I really need it. Too much time to think is not a good thing for me... as my hubby always says, "Nothing good ever comes out of you 'thinking'" hahaha He's a character, that hubby of mine... the center of my universe. I can't wait to share that universe with a little one :)

Today...

Well, today I have a lot of discomfort in my ovaries. Feeling very "full."  I hope that is okay! I hope that does not mean that I am only ovulating now! I have a lot going through my mind that is for sure. And to think I have to wait a full two weeks to find out if anything worked! Is it completely negative that I don`t really have a good feeling about this cycle? Maybe it is the way I am protecting myself from disappointment. Who knows. Either way, it is in God's hands now. I have to just let go and believe that whatever happens is what is supposed to happen but, my gosh, it is super hard to do. Please swim little spermies....swim, swim, swim.

And now we wait...

Today was the day! Hubby and I left the house at around noon to head to the clinic so that he could collect his sample. About an hour and a half later I was called to go back for insemination.  I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it all. My follicles were 17mm, 18mm and 19mm and my lining was 8.5mm. My FSH level was 8.4 which is, apparently, elevated for a 29 year old woman like myself. My hubby's count was low but his motility was high... just over 20 million in total with 82% motility. I'm emotional and anxious. I am trying to relax this evening and take it easy. Please pray for us...

Great News!

Just got back from my cycle day 10 ultrasound!! I am SO happy with the results! I have an 8.5 mm lining which the Dr. was pleased with! THREE big juicy follicles! She did not give me the exact measurements. I didn't ask either so I just kinda left well enough alone. I had my trigger shot and we are doing IUI tomorrow!! YAY!

The Dr. was very honest and told me that it is an unlikely scenario that I will get pregnant on the first try BUT she said it certainly does happen. I understand that she wants me to be prepared just in case but, after IUI, I am pregnant until proven otherwise! :) Tomorrow is the day! I am ready! PRAYERS PEOPLE! I sure hope my hubby's swimmers cooperate!!!!  

Trying...

I am TRYING to stay positive but it has been a really strange day for me today. I literally woke up in an emotionally charged state... feeling down and weepy and anxious about the upcoming few days. I just feel like I have had such bad luck already ya know? I mean, we have been trying for so long and when we finally DID get pregnant, we lost our little miracle. It is hard to stay positive. It is  hard to believe that this will work because if it doesn't, I will be so disappointed. I know that we have to wait again until March so that we can save up to go through this all over again.

 I remember when I was pregnant and my husband told all of his "brothers" and I was SO nervous. He said to me, "God would not be so cruel to make us wait so long only to lose the pregnancy." Rationally, I know it was not God's fault that I lost the baby... I know it was because it was not meant to be for some reason or another. I know the little bean was just not meant to come into this world. It still hurt though. I think about him or her every single day... I would have been half way through my pregnancy... big and plump and round and he or she would be growing and moving in my belly. Instead, I am left with a void. I wonder if the pain will ever go away?

I have so many people praying for us. SO much love and support in my life. I am trying so very hard to stay positive and believe that I will have more than one follicle and that my hubby's count will be good. It is just such an awful feeling I have today. I feel kind of angry. Maybe anger is not a way to describe it... cheated? I mean, I am supposed to be able to do this. It is human nature to bear children. I just wish it could be easier for us and we didn't have to inject and inseminate and all that scientific stuff. Seriously, some people fart and they are pregnant for God's sake. It is SO easy for some and so challenging for others. PLEASE God this is the end of our bad luck and in just over two weeks, we are reading a positive pregnancy test.

I am starting to say this prayer every night...

The Fertility Blessing

You know my deep desire for a child

A little one to love and to hold, to care for,

to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive

and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in

Your holy image.

Guide me in all my choices so that this

conception, my pregnancy and my baby's birth

are in line with Your will.

Heavenly Father and Holy Mother,

hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit.

Amen.

Today's Thoughts

Exactly how I feel today...I guess I needed a reminder. Sometimes people can be so insensitive.

Money, money, money!

So, my cousin is a pharmacist in the same building I receive my treatments and she informed me on the cost of the drugs... I know I live in Canada and the procedure is `free` BUT it is far from free with the cost of drugs. It is as follows...

Femera: $35.00
Sperm washing: $150.00
Ovidrel: $91.00
Prometrium: $ 242.76  (150 capsules or a 25 day supply @ capsules three times a day.

WELL, that is a grand total of  518.00. FREE? Yeah sure. Anyways, I guess I am gonna to have to penny pinch for this cycle. If this one is a bust, I will take another month to save up and go again in March. Oh me nerves.

Germmmmmsssss

Ohhhhh the germs!!! I taught grade one today with some of the sickest kids today. I mean, seriously? People, keep your kids at home! I am talking phlegmy coughs, snotty noses, sneezing, one child even had a fever! It will be a miracle if I manage to stay healthy. I have a bit of a headache and have had chills since I woke up but I am hoping that, with a nice nap, I will be rejuvenated. I'll try and sweat the germs away tonight at kickboxing :) That should do it!

Anyhoo, tonight I take the last of my Femera! Two more sleeps until I get to see how many follies are ready to go! I hope I get two or THREE! :) It will at least give hubby's soldiers a better chance so here's hoping!  As for side effects, right now, I feel like my ovaries are very full, especially on my right side. Hopefully that means something good! Well, I am off to rest up. Gonna watch some television and snuggle with my fur babies. Later!

Holy BOOBS!

Yikes! I am on day three of Femera and my boobs are HUGE and heavy and veiny! I don't remember reading THAT on the side effects. Swelling and water weight gain is the closest thing to it that I have read but hey, I'm not complaining? lol So tonight is my second last batch of pills! I am SO excited for Friday to see how my follicles are shaping up! I hope I have big fat, juicy follies and there are THREE hahaha Give hubby's swimmers a better chance :) Anyways, thought I would share! Anyone else out there have this side effect?

The Snowsuit

I just did some grocery shopping (which is oddly therapeutic when I do it on my own and go prepared with a list) and had the strangest thing happen.  I was waiting the line and there was an adorable cream colored snow suit with little orange and pink swirls hanging on the magazine rack (I guess someone changed their minds). I picked it up and admired it, thinking "I wonder if I will have a daughter someday." I mean I really looked at this thing, checked out the inside, looked at the size (age 3-6 months) and price. It was marked down to 14.97 from 59.99 and I ALMOST bought it. Why? Wishful thinking? I dunno. Either way, I didn't get it but the lady in the line in front of me looked at me and smiled this warm smile at me. I smiled back. Something about that snowsuit made me hopeful for this cycle. Maybe it was a sign? or maybe I am just a sap lol Either way, I'm excited :)

2 down, 8 to go!

So, 10:30pm last night I took my first two pills! I am actually feeling no side effects so far with the Femera which is good. When I took Clomid before, I had hot flashes the following day! I am so hopeful, I am savoring my excitement and trying to focus on the very real possibility that I could be pregnant this time next month! Please God! And if not, we will take a month off and then do another round of IUI. I am not going to give up :) I am going to get my take home baby!

So, I have a little anxiety about my hubby's part in this whole ordeal... What if... he can't give his sample? I mean, it has to be hard to have that much pressure on you. Once I trigger and they tell him to come in, he needs to perform.  He has never had any problems before but I think about how I would feel if I needed to come into a building, sit in a room and do "the deed."  Very little intimacy huh?

Personally, I could care less how our baby is conceived... naturally or assisted. As long as we get to hold our little bundle and I get to feel him or her grow inside me... a feeling I have longed for as long as I can remember.  I will have that, I know I will. I picture a big, round belly on my 6'1 tall frame... hubby says it will look like I swallowed a basketball! :) Only time will tell!

Excittttteeedd!!!

So, today I had my baseline ultrasound! I am on cd 4 as opposed to cd 3 because we had a huge blizzard on Thursday and Friday! Lots of follies and my lining is exactly what it should be for where I am in my cycle. I have been prescribed 5mgs of Femera to start today through to cd 8.  On Friday, which is cd 10, I have another u/s to see if my follies are big enough to trigger! Then, 24-26 hours later we will do insemination! I am pretty excited! I am going to stay positive and hope that this is the push that we need for a bfp and a sticky, sticky bean!  

Strikes again...

Well, I have had an emotional few days that is for sure.  Yesterday, with first morning urine, I got this...

Yes, this was indeed TWO lines that showed up almost instantly on the test.  I shook with excitement but there was some part of me that was so nervous. I called my friend and sent her the pic and she agreed that it was positive... I showed my FF friends and they agreed too. So, after telling my hubby (who was not so quick to believe that this was it), I called my doctor and requested progesterone and betas.  Well, after having my bloodwork, I left and went to the grocery store with my husband and had that "all too familiar feeling" down below and went to the washroom to find.... yup. I started my period. Well, I felt so many emotions. Joy was certainly not one of them... the joy that I have been longing for since my miscarriage in September. The call came in, negative betas of course....

Since I started my period, the nurse booked me for my baseline ultrasound for our first IUI cycle. We are having a huge blizzard at the moment so, it is not looking good for tomorrow... perhaps it will go ahead on Saturday. Once that is done, I will start taking clomid and monitored until my follicles are nice and big and then we will trigger. Please God it works. If not, we will deal with it just like we deal with everything else that has been thrown our way.

I have six days left of my FF account. I really think it is a good choice for me. I struggle a lot with all of the bfps and updates. Everyone in my support circle, with a few exceptions, are pregnant. It hurts so bad to see everyone moving on around me.  While I am happy for them, it is very painful for me. I am 29 years old, married three years to an amazing man, I am a teacher, and more than ready to be a mom. This grueling journey has taken a tole on me. I am not as strong as I used to me. I struggle with "being there" for my friends who are pregnant. I can't be the person that people lean on or share u/s videos and pictures, not because I am cold-hearted... exactly the opposite... Because I am so soft-hearted. I am allowed to hurt, its okay but it makes me feel like less of a person when I am too weak to be the support that my friends need.

Why does this keep happening. Haven't I waited long enough for my take home baby? I just want to be a mommy. I don't care if it is a baby boy or a girl, I don't care what months of the year I am pregnant, I don't care when the due date is, I just want a baby... a little tiny perfect mix of my husband and I to love and raise... I just can't grasp it today. Tomorrow is a new day. I am sure tomorrow will be better. It has to be. Tomorrow is one day closer to my IUI... one day closer to my dreams coming true.