2012 is coming to a close...

Well, 2012, I have to say, I am grateful to all of the experiences you gave me, good and bad. I have learned a lot about myself and the immense strength that my husband and I have in our marriage. I truly believe that the loss of our first pregnancy really showed us how fleeting life can be and showed us that we can get through anything together.  2012 brought my only brother home to me, it started my career and it brought me some of the most incredible friendships anyone could ask for. Every year that goes by is a blessing, to be on this side of the sod is a blessing, as my Nanny used to say. I have my health, my home, my family, my doggies, my career... and I have hope. Hope that my wonderful husband and I will add a baby to our blessings someday.  It may not be 2013 but I am okay with that...And I am okay with that because I know it will happen when the man upstairs decides we are ready.

Happy New Year to you all. I hope that 2013 brings all you the joy and love that your hearts desire! See you next year!

Holy. Food. Hangover.

I have never eaten so much food in my life as I have over the holidays! I knew I would, I always pig out! BUT tomorrow, hubby and I are emptying out our cupboards and starting to eat healthy! I plan to do my Boxfit class four times a week and do a personal training session on Monday mornings :) I am looking forward to it! Hubby could certainly lose a few pounds too! We need to start walking the dogs more often too because Chewy and Beanz are becoming porkers! haha

So, as I sit here drinking my morning coffee and eating the remainder of the sugar cookies, I look forward to tomorrow and the clean, healthy eating it will bring my family.  Fresh fruits and veggies! Hoping to go down a pant size or two before I go up a pant size or four :)

Turning over a new leaf!

So, as I get ready to enter into 2013, I have a new outlook (which I am sure will have its moments).  This will be the third New Years Eve that my hubby and I have said, "We will have a baby this year." This year, I am not going to say that. This year I am going to worry less and enjoy the love of my husband more and continue to pray for a new addition.  I know we will have a baby. I am not sure it will be 2013 or 2014 or 2015? I AM SURE that we will be parents. Until then, I will live vicariously through my pregnant friends and watch their babies grow and be the best auntie they could ever ask for.  I am beyond ready for this BUT the man upstairs seems to have other plans for me and I have to trust that it will happen for us when it is supposed to.

I am trying to stay focused on getting into shape and eating clean. That is going to be my main focus of the New Year.  I want to get my body in tip top shape so that I can have a healthy, fit pregnancy when we are blessed to have one that sticks. I have an AMAZING support system. I swear I am so incredibly blessed to have the friends and family I have. They are always there for me. No matter what.  So instead of  focusing on what I don't have, I am going to focus on what I DO have and look forward to the future and the things to come.  Happy New Year :)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Just a quick post to wish all of you out there in the cyber world a very MERRY CHRISTMAS :) To my TTC friends, I wish you a very joyful new year filled with all the little miracles your hearts desire!  2013 is OUR year. I can feel it in my bones!!! ALL THE BEST! Stay tuned! Now, back to my merlot! xoxoxoxox

And She's Back!

So sorry for being away so long! I guess you can pretty much guess that since I am not gushing over two pink lines that I started AF after my first clomid cycle.  I'm okay though. I am. I am relaxing now. Tomorrow is the first day of my Christmas holidays. I have some last minute things to do but, other than that, I am
R-E-L-A-X-I-N-G! No temping, no testing, no peeing on ANY sticks. Just plain me and my hubby and my family and my poochies and egg nog or wine and chocolates and fruit cakes. Oh HEAVEN! The only thing that could be better is a big fat pregnant belly and a beautiful impending baby boy or girl!  :) It will happen! I know it will and I think this break will help me a lot. 2013 will be our year. IT WILL BE OUR YEAR.

So, for now I am going to have faith in God's plan and believe that this journey will have a happy ending when it is MEANT to. xo

Caved.

Yeah, I am 8 dpo and I tested. BFN. Stark white. Too early? Maybe. I just feel so anxious to know what is happening. I know it is because of the clomid and I have SO much hope that it worked.  I am still temping. I just cant seem to stay away from it. Here is my today and here is my UGLY BFN.

                                       
 And here is the bane of my existence... another negative test...

Couldn't help myself!

Temped today! STILL af type cramps. No sore boobs or nipps today. Nothing. Temp went up a little bit! FINGERS AND TOES CROSSED!!!!! PLEASE GOD LET THIS WORK!!!!

No more...

...temping for the rest of this cycle. I am obsessing WAY too much. I am always staring at my temps and comparing them to my past charts or comparing them to other people's charts. It is too much. My temps have taken a little dip (which does not really mean anything) and seem to be following the same patterns of my other charts. I still have Af type cramps and sore nipps. I will symptom spot if anything comes up but I am going to take it easy for the rest of this cycle. Here is where I am leaving off... HOPEFULLY it ends in a bfp...

                                          

Here they are laid over previous charts (this month is the darker blue).  They all take a dip around the same time...

Anyhoo, NO MORE TEMPING THIS CYCLE!!! Stay tuned! xo

Up she goes!

Temps went up again this am! I am 5po and so far the symptoms/side effects of the Clomid are:

• Af type cramping
• Headache
• Exhaustion (Been going to bed at 9:30 the last three nights)
• Depression - Yup, that is the only way I can describe it. Lots of crying and feeling super down and upset.  I guess you could describe it as being overly emotional but then again, the depression and the sleeping can go hand in hand.
• Sore/itchy nipples

Have a look! PLEASE GOD THEY STAY UP! I am going to stop temping after tomorrow morning I think. I just want to take it easy and try not to obsess too much. My temps could be high because the clomid gave me a nice, strong O.  It does not necessarily mean that I am pregnant. It is way too early to tell anyways!  

Friday Night

It's FRIDAY! And what am I doing? Sitting around the house with my dogs. At least I have the tree up right? Hubby is working evenings and I teach in the day time. What does that equal? TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK ABOUT THINGS! I have stared at my temps a number of times today. I have prayed a lot today and I have creeped on my pregnant friends on FB and drooled over their beautiful baby bellies. Will that be me in 2013? Oh God, I hope so. I hope 2013 is my year to become a mommy.  It wasn't 2009, it wasn't 2010, it wasn't 2011 and so, far not 2012.  When my time time is here, I'll be more than ready that is for sure.  Would you believe me if I told you I peed on an internet cheapie pregnancy test? I am THAT desperate to see two lines that when the inevitable stark white test screamed in my face, I peed on an opk just to see the hint of a second line. Makes me feel pathetic. I know I am not, more like desperate right?

Anyways, enough about me. I need prayers, people. Not for me this time. For my friend. She is waiting to have her blood work after her first round of IVF. She did not have any embryos left over to freeze and was implanted with the only two that survived. She tested bfn this am but I still have faith that it was too early. So pray people... she and her hubby (who also has MFI) need your prayers.

3dpo

So today I have been having a nagging sensation (hard to explain) near my left hipbone. I also feel overheated and became nauseated after lunch.  Probably nothing but I just want to keep track :) I'm getting back to my housework!

Finally got my Crosshairs!

Here they are! (Even tho I think it was CD16)

So, WHY am I feeling so down?  I am wallowing in self pity again today.  I wish I could find a way to be happy and positive but all I keep thinking is, "I don't want to have to do this again." I did not blog about the AWFUL pain and bloating I had between Tuesday and Wednesday.... I could barely sit down. I was in my fitness class and I had to leave because the pain was making me sick.  I was so embarrassed to leave in the middle of class. I just hate that it has to be so hard for so many women to do what is "nature's gift", get pregnant and have a baby.

What a blessing a child is... what a gift. I hear people complain about sleepless nights and teething and stretch marks and all of the "battle scars" that come along with motherhood and I would do ANYTHING.  Bring on the 30-40lbs and stretch marks! Sleep? I can sleep when I'm dead.  God, PLEASE bless us with an angel of our own. I am ready, WE are ready. I promise to give a child a wonderful life and a warm, loving, accepting family. Please God, hear my prayers.

Isn't it strange...

...that you can go so quickly from hopeful in the days leading up to O to so depressed in the two week wait?  My gosh, today I feel awful today.  I feel really hopeless and sad today. I guess it could have something to do with the beautiful pink lines my friends are celebrating? (and I am HAPPY for them :)) But I think it more has to do with something hurtful someone said to my friend about me after first meeting their new baby girl.

Last week I visited my dear friend and her baby boy ( who I LOVE) and she had a friend of her's visiting with her new born baby girl. This "friend" of hers was really frantic when she was TTC and I offered to meet with her for coffee and kind of help her out before she became pregnant. This was obviously a year ago as she has a 5 week old now. So, we chatted and she talked about how she was exhausted after ttc for 6 months and I listened, shared my story and even brought her a book on "how to get pregnant:"  When she became pregnant only weeks after our coffee date, she didn't even tell me... I found out on FB. I guess my feelings were hurt but I moved past it.

Back to last week... this women that I met for coffee was there with her beautiful new baby who was asleep in her chair. I cooed over her and told her that she was a beautiful baby and that she was very blessed. I then went back to snuggling and playing with my friend's baby boy.  If her baby was awake I would have held her too! Apparently because I did not wake her child up and snuggle her I was "jealous."  Imagine, how hurtful it was to hear that she had said that after my visit. Jealous? Let's not forget that I shared my story with her... she was also aware of the miscarriage I had in September... How cruel. Her words were.... "She didn't even care that *insert baby's name here* was there. She ignored her and it is because she is jealous that I got pregnant before her and have a baby." Wow.

I am not a bitter person. Yes, I have my days where I am down and I keep to myself; Yes, I look at pregnant women all over the place and I wish I could experience that joy; Yes, I want a baby but I am not bitter over people having babies. A baby is a blessing. A gift from God and no one is more deserving than another person.  So, was I jealous? Yup, probably. And deep down it hurt me to look at that baby lying there in her car seat but I was gracious and humble. She had no grounds to make that comment other than to be hurtful and to make herself feel good that someone was not as fortunate as her. It's really sad. I really do wish her and her new family health and happiness and nothing but joy as they celebrate the holiday season with their new baby girl.

I guess THAT is really what is hurting me today. I just cried a little and I guess I feel better to have purged my soul a little in this blog entry. I have been looking at my chart over and over today, praying that one of those swimmers made it. But I need to let go and try to relax. I really have no control. It is in God's hands. He has be in his hands and I'm sure he will bless us with our baby when the time is right.

No maybe about this one!!

WAHOO!

Maybe?

I don't think my opk is gonna get any darker. I am really thinking that O is today. HOPEFULLY my wonky temps give me a spike and I can confirm O in a few days! This waiting game SUCKS. I just wish I knew what was happening with my body. I have some seriously bloating and cramping today so please God it is my follicles getting ready to burst. Just checking in!

Thank you!

This is just a THANK YOU blog to all of the wonderful friends and family I have in my life. I trust you with my deepest joys and hurts and I am so grateful for your support. I could be on this journey for a long time or a short time but I know that I have you for the ride no matter what. Some of you will move onto your take home babies while other may truck along with me but I have to tell you, no matter what, the same love and support will be here for you on your journey. That is what we need to do, support each other.

Infertility, whether it be female, male or unexplained HURTS. It is painful in so many ways, deep in your soul.  No matter if you have been trying to have a baby for 1 year or 15 years, the anguish and hurt you feel is just as significant as the next woman's.  If you had been unfortunate enough to have experienced a loss like me, there is a hole that will never be filled and there will always be a nerve wrecking uncertainty with each subsequent pregnancy.  Whether you are trying naturally, medically stimulated, with IUI or IVF, the desired outcome is still the ... a beautiful bundle of joy to take home and nurture and love.

God Bless you all... xoxo

HAPPY DECEMBER!

Ohhh I love December :) Christmas really is my favorite time of year. I am just waiting for hubby to come home so I can surprise him with my decorated house :) I wanted to take out the decorations and make it nice and Christmassy!  We are both off tomorrow so we plan to watch Christmas movies and put up the tree! I am so very excited to spend the day with the one I love tomorrow!

As for my cycle, I have been having a lot of ovulation pain in both sides and some nice ewcm! WHOOP! Still no positive opk though so I guess only time will tell! Here are my temps!

So, it is looking pretty good! I am thinking that I will O either tomorrow or the next day :) I think I may nab hubby when he gets home hehe  Anyhoo, stay tuned! Please God, this clomid does the trick!! My fortune today was pretty encouraging....

Maybe I am...