Germmmmmsssss

Ohhhhh the germs!!! I taught grade one today with some of the sickest kids today. I mean, seriously? People, keep your kids at home! I am talking phlegmy coughs, snotty noses, sneezing, one child even had a fever! It will be a miracle if I manage to stay healthy. I have a bit of a headache and have had chills since I woke up but I am hoping that, with a nice nap, I will be rejuvenated. I'll try and sweat the germs away tonight at kickboxing :) That should do it!

Anyhoo, tonight I take the last of my Femera! Two more sleeps until I get to see how many follies are ready to go! I hope I get two or THREE! :) It will at least give hubby's soldiers a better chance so here's hoping!  As for side effects, right now, I feel like my ovaries are very full, especially on my right side. Hopefully that means something good! Well, I am off to rest up. Gonna watch some television and snuggle with my fur babies. Later!

Holy BOOBS!

Yikes! I am on day three of Femera and my boobs are HUGE and heavy and veiny! I don't remember reading THAT on the side effects. Swelling and water weight gain is the closest thing to it that I have read but hey, I'm not complaining? lol So tonight is my second last batch of pills! I am SO excited for Friday to see how my follicles are shaping up! I hope I have big fat, juicy follies and there are THREE hahaha Give hubby's swimmers a better chance :) Anyways, thought I would share! Anyone else out there have this side effect?

The Snowsuit

I just did some grocery shopping (which is oddly therapeutic when I do it on my own and go prepared with a list) and had the strangest thing happen.  I was waiting the line and there was an adorable cream colored snow suit with little orange and pink swirls hanging on the magazine rack (I guess someone changed their minds). I picked it up and admired it, thinking "I wonder if I will have a daughter someday." I mean I really looked at this thing, checked out the inside, looked at the size (age 3-6 months) and price. It was marked down to 14.97 from 59.99 and I ALMOST bought it. Why? Wishful thinking? I dunno. Either way, I didn't get it but the lady in the line in front of me looked at me and smiled this warm smile at me. I smiled back. Something about that snowsuit made me hopeful for this cycle. Maybe it was a sign? or maybe I am just a sap lol Either way, I'm excited :)

2 down, 8 to go!

So, 10:30pm last night I took my first two pills! I am actually feeling no side effects so far with the Femera which is good. When I took Clomid before, I had hot flashes the following day! I am so hopeful, I am savoring my excitement and trying to focus on the very real possibility that I could be pregnant this time next month! Please God! And if not, we will take a month off and then do another round of IUI. I am not going to give up :) I am going to get my take home baby!

So, I have a little anxiety about my hubby's part in this whole ordeal... What if... he can't give his sample? I mean, it has to be hard to have that much pressure on you. Once I trigger and they tell him to come in, he needs to perform.  He has never had any problems before but I think about how I would feel if I needed to come into a building, sit in a room and do "the deed."  Very little intimacy huh?

Personally, I could care less how our baby is conceived... naturally or assisted. As long as we get to hold our little bundle and I get to feel him or her grow inside me... a feeling I have longed for as long as I can remember.  I will have that, I know I will. I picture a big, round belly on my 6'1 tall frame... hubby says it will look like I swallowed a basketball! :) Only time will tell!

Excittttteeedd!!!

So, today I had my baseline ultrasound! I am on cd 4 as opposed to cd 3 because we had a huge blizzard on Thursday and Friday! Lots of follies and my lining is exactly what it should be for where I am in my cycle. I have been prescribed 5mgs of Femera to start today through to cd 8.  On Friday, which is cd 10, I have another u/s to see if my follies are big enough to trigger! Then, 24-26 hours later we will do insemination! I am pretty excited! I am going to stay positive and hope that this is the push that we need for a bfp and a sticky, sticky bean!  

Strikes again...

Well, I have had an emotional few days that is for sure.  Yesterday, with first morning urine, I got this...

Yes, this was indeed TWO lines that showed up almost instantly on the test.  I shook with excitement but there was some part of me that was so nervous. I called my friend and sent her the pic and she agreed that it was positive... I showed my FF friends and they agreed too. So, after telling my hubby (who was not so quick to believe that this was it), I called my doctor and requested progesterone and betas.  Well, after having my bloodwork, I left and went to the grocery store with my husband and had that "all too familiar feeling" down below and went to the washroom to find.... yup. I started my period. Well, I felt so many emotions. Joy was certainly not one of them... the joy that I have been longing for since my miscarriage in September. The call came in, negative betas of course....

Since I started my period, the nurse booked me for my baseline ultrasound for our first IUI cycle. We are having a huge blizzard at the moment so, it is not looking good for tomorrow... perhaps it will go ahead on Saturday. Once that is done, I will start taking clomid and monitored until my follicles are nice and big and then we will trigger. Please God it works. If not, we will deal with it just like we deal with everything else that has been thrown our way.

I have six days left of my FF account. I really think it is a good choice for me. I struggle a lot with all of the bfps and updates. Everyone in my support circle, with a few exceptions, are pregnant. It hurts so bad to see everyone moving on around me.  While I am happy for them, it is very painful for me. I am 29 years old, married three years to an amazing man, I am a teacher, and more than ready to be a mom. This grueling journey has taken a tole on me. I am not as strong as I used to me. I struggle with "being there" for my friends who are pregnant. I can't be the person that people lean on or share u/s videos and pictures, not because I am cold-hearted... exactly the opposite... Because I am so soft-hearted. I am allowed to hurt, its okay but it makes me feel like less of a person when I am too weak to be the support that my friends need.

Why does this keep happening. Haven't I waited long enough for my take home baby? I just want to be a mommy. I don't care if it is a baby boy or a girl, I don't care what months of the year I am pregnant, I don't care when the due date is, I just want a baby... a little tiny perfect mix of my husband and I to love and raise... I just can't grasp it today. Tomorrow is a new day. I am sure tomorrow will be better. It has to be. Tomorrow is one day closer to my IUI... one day closer to my dreams coming true.