3dpo

So today I have been having a nagging sensation (hard to explain) near my left hipbone. I also feel overheated and became nauseated after lunch.  Probably nothing but I just want to keep track :) I'm getting back to my housework!

Finally got my Crosshairs!

Here they are! (Even tho I think it was CD16)

So, WHY am I feeling so down?  I am wallowing in self pity again today.  I wish I could find a way to be happy and positive but all I keep thinking is, "I don't want to have to do this again." I did not blog about the AWFUL pain and bloating I had between Tuesday and Wednesday.... I could barely sit down. I was in my fitness class and I had to leave because the pain was making me sick.  I was so embarrassed to leave in the middle of class. I just hate that it has to be so hard for so many women to do what is "nature's gift", get pregnant and have a baby.

What a blessing a child is... what a gift. I hear people complain about sleepless nights and teething and stretch marks and all of the "battle scars" that come along with motherhood and I would do ANYTHING.  Bring on the 30-40lbs and stretch marks! Sleep? I can sleep when I'm dead.  God, PLEASE bless us with an angel of our own. I am ready, WE are ready. I promise to give a child a wonderful life and a warm, loving, accepting family. Please God, hear my prayers.

Isn't it strange...

...that you can go so quickly from hopeful in the days leading up to O to so depressed in the two week wait?  My gosh, today I feel awful today.  I feel really hopeless and sad today. I guess it could have something to do with the beautiful pink lines my friends are celebrating? (and I am HAPPY for them :)) But I think it more has to do with something hurtful someone said to my friend about me after first meeting their new baby girl.

Last week I visited my dear friend and her baby boy ( who I LOVE) and she had a friend of her's visiting with her new born baby girl. This "friend" of hers was really frantic when she was TTC and I offered to meet with her for coffee and kind of help her out before she became pregnant. This was obviously a year ago as she has a 5 week old now. So, we chatted and she talked about how she was exhausted after ttc for 6 months and I listened, shared my story and even brought her a book on "how to get pregnant:"  When she became pregnant only weeks after our coffee date, she didn't even tell me... I found out on FB. I guess my feelings were hurt but I moved past it.

Back to last week... this women that I met for coffee was there with her beautiful new baby who was asleep in her chair. I cooed over her and told her that she was a beautiful baby and that she was very blessed. I then went back to snuggling and playing with my friend's baby boy.  If her baby was awake I would have held her too! Apparently because I did not wake her child up and snuggle her I was "jealous."  Imagine, how hurtful it was to hear that she had said that after my visit. Jealous? Let's not forget that I shared my story with her... she was also aware of the miscarriage I had in September... How cruel. Her words were.... "She didn't even care that *insert baby's name here* was there. She ignored her and it is because she is jealous that I got pregnant before her and have a baby." Wow.

I am not a bitter person. Yes, I have my days where I am down and I keep to myself; Yes, I look at pregnant women all over the place and I wish I could experience that joy; Yes, I want a baby but I am not bitter over people having babies. A baby is a blessing. A gift from God and no one is more deserving than another person.  So, was I jealous? Yup, probably. And deep down it hurt me to look at that baby lying there in her car seat but I was gracious and humble. She had no grounds to make that comment other than to be hurtful and to make herself feel good that someone was not as fortunate as her. It's really sad. I really do wish her and her new family health and happiness and nothing but joy as they celebrate the holiday season with their new baby girl.

I guess THAT is really what is hurting me today. I just cried a little and I guess I feel better to have purged my soul a little in this blog entry. I have been looking at my chart over and over today, praying that one of those swimmers made it. But I need to let go and try to relax. I really have no control. It is in God's hands. He has be in his hands and I'm sure he will bless us with our baby when the time is right.

No maybe about this one!!

WAHOO!

Maybe?

I don't think my opk is gonna get any darker. I am really thinking that O is today. HOPEFULLY my wonky temps give me a spike and I can confirm O in a few days! This waiting game SUCKS. I just wish I knew what was happening with my body. I have some seriously bloating and cramping today so please God it is my follicles getting ready to burst. Just checking in!

Thank you!

This is just a THANK YOU blog to all of the wonderful friends and family I have in my life. I trust you with my deepest joys and hurts and I am so grateful for your support. I could be on this journey for a long time or a short time but I know that I have you for the ride no matter what. Some of you will move onto your take home babies while other may truck along with me but I have to tell you, no matter what, the same love and support will be here for you on your journey. That is what we need to do, support each other.

Infertility, whether it be female, male or unexplained HURTS. It is painful in so many ways, deep in your soul.  No matter if you have been trying to have a baby for 1 year or 15 years, the anguish and hurt you feel is just as significant as the next woman's.  If you had been unfortunate enough to have experienced a loss like me, there is a hole that will never be filled and there will always be a nerve wrecking uncertainty with each subsequent pregnancy.  Whether you are trying naturally, medically stimulated, with IUI or IVF, the desired outcome is still the ... a beautiful bundle of joy to take home and nurture and love.

God Bless you all... xoxo

HAPPY DECEMBER!

Ohhh I love December :) Christmas really is my favorite time of year. I am just waiting for hubby to come home so I can surprise him with my decorated house :) I wanted to take out the decorations and make it nice and Christmassy!  We are both off tomorrow so we plan to watch Christmas movies and put up the tree! I am so very excited to spend the day with the one I love tomorrow!

As for my cycle, I have been having a lot of ovulation pain in both sides and some nice ewcm! WHOOP! Still no positive opk though so I guess only time will tell! Here are my temps!

So, it is looking pretty good! I am thinking that I will O either tomorrow or the next day :) I think I may nab hubby when he gets home hehe  Anyhoo, stay tuned! Please God, this clomid does the trick!! My fortune today was pretty encouraging....

Maybe I am...