Trying...

I am TRYING to stay positive but it has been a really strange day for me today. I literally woke up in an emotionally charged state... feeling down and weepy and anxious about the upcoming few days. I just feel like I have had such bad luck already ya know? I mean, we have been trying for so long and when we finally DID get pregnant, we lost our little miracle. It is hard to stay positive. It is  hard to believe that this will work because if it doesn't, I will be so disappointed. I know that we have to wait again until March so that we can save up to go through this all over again.

 I remember when I was pregnant and my husband told all of his "brothers" and I was SO nervous. He said to me, "God would not be so cruel to make us wait so long only to lose the pregnancy." Rationally, I know it was not God's fault that I lost the baby... I know it was because it was not meant to be for some reason or another. I know the little bean was just not meant to come into this world. It still hurt though. I think about him or her every single day... I would have been half way through my pregnancy... big and plump and round and he or she would be growing and moving in my belly. Instead, I am left with a void. I wonder if the pain will ever go away?

I have so many people praying for us. SO much love and support in my life. I am trying so very hard to stay positive and believe that I will have more than one follicle and that my hubby's count will be good. It is just such an awful feeling I have today. I feel kind of angry. Maybe anger is not a way to describe it... cheated? I mean, I am supposed to be able to do this. It is human nature to bear children. I just wish it could be easier for us and we didn't have to inject and inseminate and all that scientific stuff. Seriously, some people fart and they are pregnant for God's sake. It is SO easy for some and so challenging for others. PLEASE God this is the end of our bad luck and in just over two weeks, we are reading a positive pregnancy test.

I am starting to say this prayer every night...

The Fertility Blessing

You know my deep desire for a child

A little one to love and to hold, to care for,

to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive

and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in

Your holy image.

Guide me in all my choices so that this

conception, my pregnancy and my baby's birth

are in line with Your will.

Heavenly Father and Holy Mother,

hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit.

Amen.