Strikes again...

Well, I have had an emotional few days that is for sure.  Yesterday, with first morning urine, I got this...

Yes, this was indeed TWO lines that showed up almost instantly on the test.  I shook with excitement but there was some part of me that was so nervous. I called my friend and sent her the pic and she agreed that it was positive... I showed my FF friends and they agreed too. So, after telling my hubby (who was not so quick to believe that this was it), I called my doctor and requested progesterone and betas.  Well, after having my bloodwork, I left and went to the grocery store with my husband and had that "all too familiar feeling" down below and went to the washroom to find.... yup. I started my period. Well, I felt so many emotions. Joy was certainly not one of them... the joy that I have been longing for since my miscarriage in September. The call came in, negative betas of course....

Since I started my period, the nurse booked me for my baseline ultrasound for our first IUI cycle. We are having a huge blizzard at the moment so, it is not looking good for tomorrow... perhaps it will go ahead on Saturday. Once that is done, I will start taking clomid and monitored until my follicles are nice and big and then we will trigger. Please God it works. If not, we will deal with it just like we deal with everything else that has been thrown our way.

I have six days left of my FF account. I really think it is a good choice for me. I struggle a lot with all of the bfps and updates. Everyone in my support circle, with a few exceptions, are pregnant. It hurts so bad to see everyone moving on around me.  While I am happy for them, it is very painful for me. I am 29 years old, married three years to an amazing man, I am a teacher, and more than ready to be a mom. This grueling journey has taken a tole on me. I am not as strong as I used to me. I struggle with "being there" for my friends who are pregnant. I can't be the person that people lean on or share u/s videos and pictures, not because I am cold-hearted... exactly the opposite... Because I am so soft-hearted. I am allowed to hurt, its okay but it makes me feel like less of a person when I am too weak to be the support that my friends need.

Why does this keep happening. Haven't I waited long enough for my take home baby? I just want to be a mommy. I don't care if it is a baby boy or a girl, I don't care what months of the year I am pregnant, I don't care when the due date is, I just want a baby... a little tiny perfect mix of my husband and I to love and raise... I just can't grasp it today. Tomorrow is a new day. I am sure tomorrow will be better. It has to be. Tomorrow is one day closer to my IUI... one day closer to my dreams coming true.