Too much time...

Too much time to think when I am on my own. I have been sick with the flu since Friday and I have been on my couch watching television since then, pretty much.  Yesterday, my darling husband was home with me but today he is working. All I am doing is THINKING. Thinking about what was, what could have been and now, what is to come ( Geesh, I sound like an old Christmas movie).  I am so desperate for a BFP this month... I guess it is because I know this is the last try before we move onto IUI. The idea of all of those extra hormones scare me sooooo much. I am already a basket case during my tww and don't even get me started on PMS. I am so frenzied to get a bfp this month that I have already taken like three tests and I am pretty sure it has not even been a week since I ovulated. So yesterday, I tested....

Do you see that shadow???  Here is an inverted one....

Well, it is only a silly internet cheapie and they are well known for their terrible tricks. I am WAY too early in my cycle to see anything... I know that.... logically. But I guess we don't think logically all the time, especially when we want something so bad. It happened for us ONCE... I saw those two PERFECTLY pink lines and those words reading PREGNANT on a digital test. I had it and I WANT IT again.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about the miscarriage. When will I forget? When will it feel better? I have an emptiness and I want it to be filled so badly that I am subjecting myself to testing during a time when it is impossible to see anything. Anyways, that is my ramble. I am hopped up on cold meds (acetaminophen based of course) and coated in vicks vapo rub and I am gonna sit back and enjoy my Sunday night television.