Isn't it strange...

...that you can go so quickly from hopeful in the days leading up to O to so depressed in the two week wait?  My gosh, today I feel awful today.  I feel really hopeless and sad today. I guess it could have something to do with the beautiful pink lines my friends are celebrating? (and I am HAPPY for them :)) But I think it more has to do with something hurtful someone said to my friend about me after first meeting their new baby girl.

Last week I visited my dear friend and her baby boy ( who I LOVE) and she had a friend of her's visiting with her new born baby girl. This "friend" of hers was really frantic when she was TTC and I offered to meet with her for coffee and kind of help her out before she became pregnant. This was obviously a year ago as she has a 5 week old now. So, we chatted and she talked about how she was exhausted after ttc for 6 months and I listened, shared my story and even brought her a book on "how to get pregnant:"  When she became pregnant only weeks after our coffee date, she didn't even tell me... I found out on FB. I guess my feelings were hurt but I moved past it.

Back to last week... this women that I met for coffee was there with her beautiful new baby who was asleep in her chair. I cooed over her and told her that she was a beautiful baby and that she was very blessed. I then went back to snuggling and playing with my friend's baby boy.  If her baby was awake I would have held her too! Apparently because I did not wake her child up and snuggle her I was "jealous."  Imagine, how hurtful it was to hear that she had said that after my visit. Jealous? Let's not forget that I shared my story with her... she was also aware of the miscarriage I had in September... How cruel. Her words were.... "She didn't even care that *insert baby's name here* was there. She ignored her and it is because she is jealous that I got pregnant before her and have a baby." Wow.

I am not a bitter person. Yes, I have my days where I am down and I keep to myself; Yes, I look at pregnant women all over the place and I wish I could experience that joy; Yes, I want a baby but I am not bitter over people having babies. A baby is a blessing. A gift from God and no one is more deserving than another person.  So, was I jealous? Yup, probably. And deep down it hurt me to look at that baby lying there in her car seat but I was gracious and humble. She had no grounds to make that comment other than to be hurtful and to make herself feel good that someone was not as fortunate as her. It's really sad. I really do wish her and her new family health and happiness and nothing but joy as they celebrate the holiday season with their new baby girl.

I guess THAT is really what is hurting me today. I just cried a little and I guess I feel better to have purged my soul a little in this blog entry. I have been looking at my chart over and over today, praying that one of those swimmers made it. But I need to let go and try to relax. I really have no control. It is in God's hands. He has be in his hands and I'm sure he will bless us with our baby when the time is right.