Well, I have never blogged or followed a blog, for that matter, but here I am! I decided that I needed an outlet of my own to write about the daily struggles I face as a woman with infertility and let me tell you, it SUCKS.
I never realized how prominent infertility truly was until I joined a fertility website about three years ago called fertilityfriend.com. Through this site, I have met so many women fighting to have a baby of their own. There have been many nights that I have typed through my tears expressing the agony that there are just no words suitable to describe. Unless you are unfortunate enough to feel the same agony, you could never know. It is like there is a "mommy club" and I will never be a part of it. And it is not as though I am not deserving, I am exactly the opposite... I waited to be married to a wonderful man and I waited until we were stable... I WAITED.... and I am still waiting.... Here is my story.
Three years ago, I married the love of my life. He and I always wanted to have a family and we decided to "throw caution to the wind" shortly after we said our vows. After about a year, I began temping and using OPKs. We started "actively trying." I always knew somewhere deep inside me that I would have difficulty getting pregnant. I really can't explain why but I just did. We saw my family doctor who ordered a bunch of blood work and an SA for my hubby... Sure enough... low count and low motility. That, combined with my 23 day cycles was certainly no recipe for success. We received a requisition to see one of the two fertility specialists in our province... 11 months later. And so we WAIT... again.
On September 12, 2012, we saw the fertility doctor and she told us that she wanted me to have a HSG after my next period and felt that we were good candidates for IUI. So, I wait for the dreaded aunt flow.... and I wait and WAIT. Where is she? Well, a week after our appointment, I test positive on a home pregnancy test. POSITIVE. I fell to my knees and cried on my bathroom floor and thanked God for the miracle before my eyes... TWO pink lines. Not the stark white test blaring and screaming failure month after month... it was positive and I was going to have a baby.
This was on September 19th.
On September 24th, my husband and I were out for a drive and, oddly enough, we were discussing baby names... I was waiting to hear from the doctor about my betas... it came. The dreaded call came. My betas were not doubling. In fact, they had barely risen and I was told that I would likely miscarry. So, I WAITED...On September 29th, I lost the pregnancy and a part of me was lost too. I will never forget my husband (who was in disbelief) looking at me and saying these words...
"God is not that cruel. We have waited for so long for this. To finally see a specialist and
fall pregnant naturally? Everything will be okay... he is not that cruel."
Well, here I am waiting again. But this time I am waiting to start IUI. We see the specialist on November 13 to discuss what medications we will use. Because of my short cycles, I should have the insemination by the end of November. And the waiting continues....
Unfortunately I know this feeling all too well. I think that has been the hardest thing for us. I don't understand why God would give my husband and me a baby, after fifteen months of pain, only to take our baby. It's so hard not to angry or question why. Unfortunately, life doesn't discriminate- it doesn't care who you are...life isn't fair. I think about us, you and your hubby, and all of these people out there that pray, hope, believe, cope, cry, persevere, and more and still don't receive their miracle. It's just not fair. The more I think about how unfair it is, the worse I feel. I just keep pushing through just like you. We have to always remember that things do happen for a reason and God really does want to fulfill our heart's desires. <3 to you!
ReplyDeleteI love that you started this blog. It's going to be such a huge relief.
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